The supposedly civilized Europeans. (A WARNING TO ALL AMERICANS)

I admit it, I am a bit of a wild boy at heart. I seek out the racier side of life. I participate in extreme sports such as skiing, paragliding, bobsledding, motor racing, mountaineering and the like. And after participating, I like to party hard. Which is why I was so keen to go to Europe - the party capital of the world. So when the time came to book last summer's vacation I did plenty of research.

After much thought I had an itinerary planned. I would go first to London, then to Amsterdam, and finally, Faliraki on the Greek island of Rhodos. These destinations promised to be the most balls-out fast-living party towns, and I chose them in order to educate myself about European culture.

I was sadly disappointed.

LONDON
London sucked. It was constantly overcast, and raining nearly all the time. The locals were rude and all had terrible teeth. The cabs were expensive and my hotel was not in the center of town. I tried the local 'delicacy' "fish and chips" and I have to say it was the most disgusting food it has ever been my displeasure to consume. No wonder the British are so miserable and unhealthy if this is their staple diet. I tried to drown my sorrows with a beer or two, being the party animal that I am. I was yet again astonished and disgusted to find that the backward British do not know how to keep beer cool. I had a vomit-inducing pint of tepid brown sludge that looked like something you might find in a lavatory bowl. I took one sip and spat it out. The 'friendly' landlord of the 'pub' then ejected me from the premises.

Later that night I needed to make a call to the office in NYC. So I went to a public call box. It was disgusting. Someone had used it as a urinal, and there were prostitutes advertisments everywhere.

On my second night I went to a 'garage night' to find out about the latest UK music. Unfortunately someone pulled a gun (despite the UK's ridiculously strict gun laws) and the club got shut down. So much for my party plans. So much for London.

AMSTERDAM

So I flew into Schiphol. The first thing that hit me about the Netherlands was how tall everyone is. Even the women are all 6' or over. This immediately put me on the defensive. Call me prejudiced if you like, but I just don't like tall people. Anyway as I arrived in Schiphol, they asked to see my passport. What the fuck ? Is this Europe or not I already showed my damn passport in the UK, but this Nazi wants to see it again. (Imagine showing your passport if you went to Hoboken from NYC). I pointed this out to the customs guy but he just made some comment in Dutch that sounded like he was clearing his throat, and sent me on my way.

Not wanting to waste any time, I took the train to Amsterdam Centraal, where I immediately started looking for a 'coffee shop' so I could smoke some weed and immerse myself in Dutch culture. I soon found the 'Grasshopper' just off Damrak and proceeded to get stoned on 'super skunk'. It was then I noticed the almost total lack of Dutch people in the place. Indeed they all seemed to be British or American. What the Fuck ? I thought. I didn't travel 4000 miles to meet Americans. I could have stayed in the US and gone to Epcot.

Feeling pissed, I walked out and inadvertantly stumbled into the Red Light district. Now I am a real party animal, and pretty broadminded, but that place was just sick. Women were on display like goods in a department store. There were sex shops on every corner selling all kinds of pornography and sex related paraphenalia. And the more I wandered around, the more lost I became. In my attempt to leave the area I was disgusted again to see a whole street dedicated to 'she-males' and 'lady-boys'. By this time I was pretty tired so I stopped off at a bar called 'Cassa Rossa', but too late I realised I had stumbled into a live sex show.

Before I could leave I had seen actual live copulation on stage between a bored looking woman and an improbably endowed man in a scene of such seedy depravity I can hardly bring myself to describe it. I could not believe my eyes. Nothing like this would be allowed to happen in America, and I could not help but wonder how the Europeans get their reputation for sophistication. When I finally managed to orient myself out of the Red Light district I walked back to my hotel along the Prinsengracht canal, where I saw another sight disgusting to any American. A man was openly urinating in the street. Now, I've drank my fair share in the past, but I have never sunk so low as to urinate in public. What is it with these Dutch people. Do they have no sense of shame ?

The next day I felt a sense of relief as I went back to Schiphol for my flight to Rhodes.

FALIRAKI

I had picked Faliraki in Rhodes because of its reputation as a party town, the availability of watersports. I had hoped for a picturesque Greek village. The reality was somewhat different. Once again the main language was English, and again it seems I had been followed by busloads of English youngsters. Normally this would not be a problem, but when you find out how these people behave you will realise why I will never set foot in Europe again.

First thing I did on arrival at my hotel in Faliraki was use the bathroom. Now you may find this hard to believe, but in 2001 in a modern European country, you may not flush toilet paper down the bowl. You actually have to wipe and put the paper in a small wastepaper basket at the side of the bowl. Can you believe this ? The stinking wastebin stays in your room unemptied for days, the stench of faeces and excrement slowly permeating all your posessions and posing a health hazard to all.

I immediately asked to see the manager only to be informed that I was an 'American malacca(?)' I am not sure of the exact word but it did not sound friendly.

Since I was only there for a few days and I did not want to be beaten up by a bunch of in-bred Greek mafia types, I decided not to make a fuss, and went down to the beach.

There I was met with a scene of utter depravity. Hundreds of British people in various states of undress lying around on the beach, or swimming or playing beach games. Some of these topless nymphettes can only have been aged about sixteen. The one thing the British girls all seemed to have in common was a desire to flaunt their breasts to all and sundry.

As I walked along the beach I started to wonder if maybe I was wrong, and that the American attitude to nudity was somehow flawed, but then a trio of big breasted blonde British girls bounced past and I realised how unworkable the topless approach would be in the US.

My theory is that all the British men are secretly gay which is why they don't care that their women are putting on slutty displays for anyone to see.

I had come to see another culture, that's exactly what I saw. The culture of the British 'lager lout' and 'ladette'. My suspicions about the morals of the British were confirmed later that evening when I attended a local bar. As the evening wore on, the British got progressively more and more drunk. There was vomiting, broken glass, fighting and yet more exposed breasts as the DJ encouraged the British and whipped them up into a sexualized frenzy. I would not be surprised if some of them had taken Ecstacy or other stimulants.

I sampled the local cocktail (a "fishbowl") which was utterly disgusting, and then a British girl started coming on to me. I explained that I was married and she said "Oi won't tell if yew don't, come on lets go for a quick shag. Moi mates not in arrr room" (she had the most disgusting and almost unintelligible "cockney" accent).

Well I don't know if it was the alcohol or the heat or if the culture shock had corrupted my judgment, but I soon found myself back at her hotel room, naked.

Now I am not a prude. In my past I have had sexual relations with many ladies. But this was the first time I had experienced such a depraved approach. I don't know what it is about British girls but it is like they are sex-starved or something. (perhaps its because most British men are gay!) anyway Chantelle (that was her name) from East London gave me some of the most energetic sex I have ever had. But it gets worse. Just as I was struggling with the guilt of what I had just done, and how I had betrayed my wife, who should walk in on us but Chantelle's friend Lisa (also from Dagenham, East London). She took one look at us both lying there naked and without batting an eyelid said 'Moind if oi join yer ?' and started to strip off.

By this time I was sobering up and full of remorse about what I had done. So I didn't want to compound the sin by indulging in a three-way with these two Dick Van Dykes (I am broad minded, but there ARE limits!) So I quickly pulled on my pants, grabbed my shirt and ran for the door.

Unfortunately I had picked the wrong door, but that was the least of my troubles. As I went through the door into what I later realised was the bathroom, I tripped over my shoelace and fell face forward onto the 'waste bin' provided in all Greek bathrooms. It had not been emptied for quite a while and I was covered in used TP.

The doctor who examined me the next day and gave me a tetanus shot said that such incidents were not as uncommon as you would think. She also went on and on about how unruly and rude the British are as a race.

CONCLUSION

As an American party-animal I was disgusted with Europe. I expected sophistication, fine wines, stimulating conversation and highbrow culture. I found nothing like it in Europe. Europe is simply a depraved cesspit when compared with the USA. Their people have the morals of alley cats and their hygeine is worse than that of the prehistoric cave men. I would rather shoot myself than ever return to that godforsaken country.

I learned that the British are amongst the worse mannered, uncultured, ignorant and violent people in Europe (despite having stiff competition from the Dutch, Greeks and Germans). I would not recommend Europe as a vacation destination to anyone, with one exception - If you are a pasty-faced, music-stealing, port-scanning, quake-playing, pearl-skr1pt writing, communist loving, freedom hating Linux geek who cannot get laid, you could do worse than go to Faliraki and try your luck "chatting up the birds". Just don't get yourself arrested

	London Weather (3.00 / 2) (#8)
	by Anonymous Reader on Tue Feb 5th, 2002 at 05:46:53 AM PST

	So you didn't like the weather in London? I expect you go to Seattle for the beaches, Chicago for the winter warmth and Los Angeles for the air quality? Don't come to Britain and expect anything other than a maritime climate! Oh yeah, and the beer is supposed to be served warm. If you want cool beer, ask for lager (of which there are many superbly delicious European brands). However, I suppose that given you have made it out of the USofA I should offer some sort of congratulations...............nah, forget it.

	It's no surprise, most of the Godly left long ago (3.00 / 2) (#10)
	by Adam Rightmann on Tue Feb 5th, 2002 at 06:25:59 AM PST

	Many right thinking God Fearing people left northern Europe long ago, realizing that the perversions and attitudes are dangerous to young children. Oliver Cromwell's followers had to leave England, or else face beheading or recanting their faith. You should have gone to decent, Catholic countries like Spain, France or Italy (or perhaps Bavaria) where decent, God fearing sorts are welcome (though, ironically, the largest religion in France will so be Mohammedism). I think I've read enough about Europe to know that I have little need to go to England or the Netherlands (though, of course, I still tithe to support our missionaries, homeless shelters and soup kitchens there). A. Rightmann

	I'm surprised (5.00 / 1) (#34)
	by Anonymous Reader on Tue Feb 5th, 2002 at 05:33:53 PM PST

	I really am surprised that there aren't more responses to your posts. You seem to think that Europe somehow is still in the dark ages and that the plague is still ravaging through it or something. You can't possibly call anyone "right thinking". That's YOUR opinion and not a fact. If by "catholic" you mean that you can expect most of those you meet to not disagree with your religious views, you're probably right. England is a very protestant nation, and has been for some time. Why do you think there are "missionaries" in England? It's not an unexplored continent with savage tribes or something. There are catholic churches just as there are protestant churches and mosk�s. People are free to have what religious views they want. It's very arrogant of you to think that your religion is the right one and that all who think differently are wrong. I don't recall any country you mentioned as one where catholics are treated differently from people with other religious views?

	ohhh kay (none / 0) (#72)
	by Anonymous Reader on Wed Feb 6th, 2002 at 09:39:29 PM PST

	so u fink british people r disgusting and all the rest. u probly went to sum shitty chip shop for posh americans which is why they where shite. U talk as if the whole of europe is one country well ur wrong numnuts. u obviously came to europe expecting amerca but with diffrent ppl. i agree with certian aspects on london. like the phone boxs but i bet if u went to nyc it would be same with adverts for phone sex ( since this is what they r not adverts for prossies ) u where on about that greek island being full of lager lots well i have to agree british teenages are mentle (i am one an i do alot of mental shit) but its not our fault that u happend to pick up a slag and by the way dick van dykes accent sound more austrailian then n e thing. u where saying that all british men are gay well most british men that i have met r not gay. just cause u shagged sum slag who prolly had a b/f back in london but didn't give a fuck well thats ur own bad luck. Garage is indeed shit. about what u said about our rediculas gun laws being to strict well at least i can walk down a bad part of me neibor hood and not get shot. the person in the club who pulled the gun was prolly doing sumin illegel ne way and its just as easy to get a gun illegaly in the uk as it is in amerca. Oh by the way if u fink i am sum patriotic guy i ain't i fink we should get rid of the royals cause they cause to many problems and join the single currency to give the UK a chance to get out of the rescion we r currently in

	i agree (none / 0) (#79)
	by PotatoError on Thu Feb 7th, 2002 at 05:11:08 AM PST

	except with "its just as easy to get a gun illegaly in the uk as it is in amerca". You obviously have never tried getting a gun in the UK. You cant just go up to shady characters on street corners and go "know where I can buy a gun?" <<JUMP! POGO POGO POGO BOUNCE! POGO POGO POGO>>

	I might agree... (none / 0) (#82)
	by Nurgled on Thu Feb 7th, 2002 at 07:05:44 AM PST

	You mean you can actaully understand all of that gibberish?

	Stop trolling this site (none / 0) (#87)
	by Anonymous Reader on Thu Feb 7th, 2002 at 10:59:26 AM PST

	join the single currency to give the UK a chance to get out of the rescion we r currently in Or at least try to be subtle about it.

	Dear GOD! (none / 0) (#128)
	by nx01 on Mon Feb 11th, 2002 at 08:24:59 AM PST

	Please, good sir! Us Americans, though we supposedly speak a "bastardized" version of English, have a fondness for such things as spelling, grammar, style, and capitalization! In the future, please keep this in mind! We can only respond to your post if we can read it. This sort of disregard for standards of communication seems to be a common theme among UKians. Is there any way we could make it illegal for them to read this site, a sort of Brit-filter? They tend to get annoying. "Every time I look at the X window system, it's so fucking stupid; and part of me feels responsible for the worst parts of it." -- James Gosling

	That's a matter of perspective. (none / 0) (#133)
	by budlite on Mon Feb 11th, 2002 at 02:51:54 PM PST

	I mean, you Yanks seem to be annoying people of just about every other nationality on this earth.

	*the phone box adverts are* for prostitutes** (none / 0) (#163)
	by bungatron on Sun Mar 17th, 2002 at 06:01:17 AM PST

	Phone sex my arse! The calling cards are placed in phone boxes on behalf of prostitutes and madams. There is no 'phone sex' involved whatsoever, unless you're somehow getting off just talking to a naughty prossie. It could cost you as little as �20 to be properly educated about these matters. I suggest you invest.

	FYI (none / 0) (#149)
	by Anonymous Reader on Sat Feb 16th, 2002 at 09:48:41 AM PST

	For your information: THERE IS NO GOD Hve you ever seen one? I didn't

	You should be banned. (4.00 / 1) (#13)
	by tkatchev on Tue Feb 5th, 2002 at 07:26:15 AM PST

	You should be banned for using the horrible, horrible "lol". Pox on you. -- Peace and much love...

	sorry (none / 0) (#20)
	by PotatoError on Tue Feb 5th, 2002 at 09:40:54 AM PST

	The good thing about lol is you can use it as general amusement, sarcastic laughter or a patronising chuckle and usually the other person knows which one of these contexts your using. Also I find it a very useful shorthand instead of writing "that was so funny I laughed". I can go looool, lol or LOL!! meaning different levels of laughter. Using Heh or laugh isnt as effective for some reason. Heh sounds like it reads - just a single short laugh. using an actual laugh or Im laughing sounds robotic and not human as you dont tell people when you laugh. lol is different though - its like a reaction rather than a statement you type for effect. I mean if I type a sentence which I consider funny I feel inclined to write lol almost without thinking. Its like I actually associate lol with laughter. Strange. <<JUMP! POGO POGO POGO BOUNCE! POGO POGO POGO>>

	A mad Russian put a pox on you and... (none / 0) (#44)
	by elenchos on Tue Feb 5th, 2002 at 07:16:23 PM PST

	...you think there is anything to laugh about? Do you realize what a primitive place Russia is? Do you realize what kind of primordial rituals and unspeakable acts of home-made magic still thrive in their basically tribal culture? God. Go visit some Orthodox church some time if you want to know what kind of frightening melange of ancient black arts and high church monotheism is responsible for keeping a not totally incompetent people in the Dark Ages for fifteen centuries. It makes Voodoo look like an Iowa prayer breakfast. You are going to start coughing up a lung, you poor doomed bastard, if you don't get this hex off you. While you're dying, you might wonder a little about how civilization managed to convey both humor and amusement in writing for some three thousand years without ever resorting to your semi-literate acronyms or emoticons. I do, I do, I do --Bikini Kill

	where the hell did you go? (4.00 / 1) (#11)
	by PotatoError on Tue Feb 5th, 2002 at 07:04:24 AM PST

	Maybe next time you should check the locations you are going to instead of doing a "red light" tour of europe. Ive visited similarly unpleasant places as you mentioned above in the US but I dont expect the entire US is like it. PS garage music is a load of shite. It will die out give it 5 years. Its built on fakeness and its SHITE. SHITE SHITE - I have avid followers who feel the same hatred for it. We will destroy it soon. What bars did you visit? All the bars I visit you can buy Guiness, Fosters even Bud. You must understand that beer wont be ice cold if it comes as a pint - thats not how we drink it, it shouldnt be warm though, especially at this time of year. It should be cool. That the actual barman threw you out shows how small a pub it was. I suggest finding a better one with more people in it next time. Its fish and chips not fish and fries. Chips arent supposed to be crispy - they are supposed to be literally potato chips slightly fried. Many people complain that this looks uncooked and messy but thats how its made. chips and battered fish wrapped in newspaper. The good thing is you cant get food poisoned from chips - they have to be hot when served and therefore are cooked. Of course british teenagers are going to enjoy themselves at beaches in hot weather. I see how you can say british girls are sex starved either lol...trust me on this one. Have you seen american pie? I bet you'd hate me for using that as a perspective of american teenagers. "My theory is that all the British men are secretly gay" Yup its true lol. We do drink much more in this country than in the US. All my american friends have made this comment. But IMO its you americans that dont drink enough :) <<JUMP! POGO POGO POGO BOUNCE! POGO POGO POGO>>

	Pardon me, sir... (none / 0) (#56)
	by hauntedattics on Wed Feb 6th, 2002 at 05:56:54 AM PST

	I may be dreaming, but did I catch a reference to the Deity in your second paragraph? Just wondering.

	Well, sometimes I say 'fuck' but... (none / 0) (#58)
	by elenchos on Wed Feb 6th, 2002 at 12:08:17 PM PST

	...that doesn't mean literally. I can say "Holy Christ almighty on a popsicle stick!" without meaning that... meaning, well, what the hell does that even mean? It appears I have no idea what the words I use mean. My back hurts too, and I generally feel very much out of sorts. This is a job for alcohol, I'd say. I do, I do, I do --Bikini Kill

	What it means. (none / 0) (#60)
	by tkatchev on Wed Feb 6th, 2002 at 12:44:45 PM PST

	Christ died for our sins on the cross. You, in your blasphemy, are substituting the cross for a crude, "ironic" posicle stick. There is also the matter of making light of the holy rite of communion. (Posicles are meant to be eaten, etc.) In any case, I didn't expect anything better from a raging liberalist. -- Peace and much love...

	For years I've said nothing but good things.... (none / 0) (#62)
	by elenchos on Wed Feb 6th, 2002 at 12:56:57 PM PST

	...about vodka. Doesn't that count for anything? I do, I do, I do --Bikini Kill

	Thanks for putting the two together (none / 0) (#68)
	by walwyn on Wed Feb 6th, 2002 at 04:20:30 PM PST

	(Posicles are meant to be eaten, etc.) but so is Christ.

	indeed.... (none / 0) (#61)
	by nathan on Wed Feb 6th, 2002 at 12:47:44 PM PST

	I feel inclined to write lol almost without thinking As with so much else. Nathan -- Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

	A Breif history of "lol" (none / 0) (#63)
	by Anonymous Reader on Wed Feb 6th, 2002 at 01:06:03 PM PST

	"lol" is used to signify laughter without typing great long words and sentences. It was invented over IRC in the seventies (i think) along with other acronyms such as rotfl (Rolling On The Floor Laughing) and IMHO (In My Humble Opinion) in order for people to communicate quickly and efficiently whilst swapping code. Many think that it was invented by some townies for SMS and it has been adopted for IRC and other IM's. This is not the case. All those who think that lol and all of it's fellow acronyms should be put to rest ESAD. (e-mail me if you want the meaning for this, but it should be pretty obvious)

	Not possible (none / 0) (#78)
	by Anonymous Reader on Thu Feb 7th, 2002 at 04:51:31 AM PST

	YOu say that it was invented in the seventies. THat can't be correct, as the internet was founded in 1985.

	i did say that i wasn't sure... (none / 0) (#89)
	by BCFH on Thu Feb 7th, 2002 at 12:09:48 PM PST

	see above

	lol (none / 0) (#71)
	by PotatoError on Wed Feb 6th, 2002 at 09:05:34 PM PST

	lol <<JUMP! POGO POGO POGO BOUNCE! POGO POGO POGO>>

	ME TOO! (none / 0) (#77)
	by Nurgled on Thu Feb 7th, 2002 at 04:37:14 AM PST

	ROTFLMHAO!

	Really? (5.00 / 1) (#12)
	by Anonymous Reader on Tue Feb 5th, 2002 at 07:22:45 AM PST

	So when the time came to book last summer's vacation I did plenty of research. Doesn't sound that way to me.

	agree... (none / 0) (#143)
	by Anonymous Reader on Thu Feb 14th, 2002 at 07:20:55 AM PST

	That's what I would suggest next time the guy plans his holiday to do a BETTER and more thoughout research. Preferably, do some studying at the University... :)

	This guy is hilarious! (none / 0) (#160)
	by Anonymous Reader on Thu Mar 7th, 2002 at 05:22:25 AM PST

	I would like to see his so-called "research". What actually were his intentions? He wanted to "party" but the link he refers to is just as dry-official as you can imagine. As for some real facts on foreign countries, an American should go to the CIA factbook (http://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/). A better source though is http://www.gofir.com/ . "Once again the main language was English", he writes, but whines when somebody replies to this story in anything that is not "standard English" according to him. Does he know what he actually wants? I hope my English isn't too bad, but then again it isn't my mother tongue (no I'm not Amercian, I'm Belgian and please spare me stupid child-related jokes about Belgians!) And then the hypocrisy: a married guy getting laid by an unknown girl suddenly starts to moralize the Europeans he really doens't know by far. As for me, I found the whole story hilarious. His message however makes clear he is clueless.

	Correct (1.00 / 1) (#14)
	by Right Hand Man on Tue Feb 5th, 2002 at 07:27:32 AM PST

	During my service to God and country I had the terrible misfortune to be stationed in London. Even though, back then, I wasn't the right thinking man I am today the place offended my sensibilities, not to mention the morally corrupt perverted British sailors who we helped to train. Thinking back on that experience I am happy that I was able to escape without contracting some sort of life threatening disease or succumbing to the crippling effects of their drugs. I think the problems you found are the result of unchecked liberalism. Many areas in the UK are overrun with it. Couple that with a conspicuous lack of God in their lives and you end up with a country full of dope smoking, breast revealing, long haired, unshaven, jobless hippies who differ from a colony of apes by only the grace of God. It wasn't always this way. At one time the British were the most feared fighting force in the world, they colonized nation after nation. That once proud heritage has been replaced and they are now reduced to being tag-a-longs, paddling in the wake of US battleships, hoping to get a shot at an already wounded enemy just to satisfy the bloodlust bread into their culture by years of pillaging. Having trained alongside British soldiers I can assure you that these people are mostly extremists. They don't just want to know how to kill, they want to know how to kill the most people with the least amount of time and effort. I can admire that, but they didn't really have a goal in mind, they seemed to want to kill for the sheer joy of having done so. Regardless, welcome back to the land of the free. At least you'll now be able to offer first hand observations the next time some socialist from the UK makes a verbal attack on America. ------------------------- "Keep your bible open and your powder dry."

	He is right about the British (none / 0) (#16)
	by Anonymous Reader on Tue Feb 5th, 2002 at 07:45:45 AM PST

	I am a German. One thing that is annoying me much is the British on their holiday behaviour. They are still having the attitude of empire. When a German a sunbed reserves, the british hooligans are the towels ignoring and into the swimming pool throwing. It is not that for nothing we Germans are the British "Island Monkeys" calling. Hans

	Oh shush. (none / 0) (#21)
	by tkatchev on Tue Feb 5th, 2002 at 10:44:43 AM PST

	You aren't a real German. You should be deleted for trolling! -- Peace and much love...

	If you can provide evidence Hans is not German... (none / 0) (#28)
	by dmg on Tue Feb 5th, 2002 at 01:37:48 PM PST

	I will delete this troll. Hans, can you prove your Germanic heritage ? time to give a Newtonian demonstration - of a bullet, its mass and its acceleration. -- MC Hawking

	One clue... (5.00 / 1) (#45)
	by poltroon on Tue Feb 5th, 2002 at 09:06:21 PM PST

	Everyone knows that educated Germans are exceptional speakers of the English language, so Hans's awkward sentence structures are very suspicious. By the way, as you plan future travels, you'd be wise to avoid Germany. Their red light districts are just as monstrous and horrific as those you've described. Maybe this is the fault of the British?