My boyfriend is pressuring me for premarital sex. I'm having a hard time saying no, because part of me wants to do it too! What do you recommend, besides talking to a priest, they're all perverts and wouldn't understand, or they might even hit on my boyfriend.

Flesh is weakening

Dear Flesh,

Please don't be swayed by the secular humanist anti-religious media, the vast majority of priests are decent, hard working men who you can go to for advice for anything. A few bad apples are found, and the media trumpets them constantly, hoping to drive good people away from the Church and into some heretical paganist tree worship, for their own devious ends. You're too smart for that.

Let me be blunt, premarital sex is a sin. Whether it is a mortal sin or a venial sin depends on the situation. The biggest reason that it is a sin is that you may concieve, and have to raise a child without the benefit of a church blessed marriage. No child should be without a mother and father, and I rue the day that society decided that the best option for these bastards was not adoption, orphanages, foundling houses and monasteries, but rather a govevernment subsidized sinful life with their single mother.

Ideally, you will refrain from premarital sex. For you and your boyfriend I recommend cold showers, organized sports, and learning Linux, all three of these activities are proven to reduce the sex drive and reduce opportunities for sex.

Of course, these are only delaying tactics. The real issue is what kind of man your boyfriend is, and how likely he is to support you if you get pregnant. If your boyfriend is a staunch Catholic, well respected in the parish, and willing to drop out of high school to marry you and support your children, then premarital sex is but a venial sin. I know of many joyful unions that were precipated by such an accident. If your boyfriend is not Catholic, things are a little trickier. If he is a heretical Christian, one of those sects that believe in Jesus but not the Pope, like Protestants, Eastern Orthodoxs and Mormons, he's at least halfway to conversion, the sin may not be as bad. If your boyfriend belongs to an offshoot of Christianity, like Islam or Judaism, it's more a stretch to see him as a good provider, I would at least make him attend a few Masses before going any further, at least as a sign of commitment. If your boyfriend is some sort of pagan, be he Hindoo, New Ager or Buddhist, please, drop him and find someone suitable.

[editor's note, by jsm] What unspeakable, intolerant rubbish. Perhaps I could be permitted to act as the voice of sanity?

Although the onset of puberty is happening at a younger and younger age in the Western world, thanks to genetically modified foods, pollution and the like, it is still the case that most teenage females are incapable of genuine sexual feeling (Source: Hubbard Institute Report on Sexuality, 1999). In something like three quarters of cases, what you are experiencing and believe to be "sexual desire" is not the clean, healthy urge of the unfettered spirit, as experienced by healthy adult humans, but more likely to be the long term psychological effects of sexual abuse in this or earlier lives.

My recommendation would be a) to confront your father with the evidence, b) to report the matter to the local governmental authorities and c) to enter suitable psychological counselling along with your boyfriend. Otherwise, you risk repeating this destructive cycle in future lives.

Dear Adam,

Help me, I'm going a little crazy. My wife and I have not enjoyed marital relations for two weeks. I have talked to her about it, and she says she is just so tired after caring for the kids (Mary 12, John 10, Mark 8, thw twins Luke and John 6, and Rebecca 4), cleaning house, and being a volunteer at the parochial school that she just has no energy left. I'm getting so desperate that I'm almost ready to commit Onanism for relief.

Taking matters into my own hands.

Dear Taking,

Onanism is a serious sin, please say at least 5 Hail Marys and try to hold off a little longer, while I tell you what you need to do.

First, your wife needs help around the house. Fortunately, you have been blessed with a nice sized family, and your eldest daughter is plenty old to learn how to cook and clean. If your wife starts with her now, she will have at least 4 years to perfect the domestic arts before she might get married off. In fact, I strongly recommend a crash course in the domestic arts for both your daughters, we can no longer count on the schools (no, not even parochial schools) to educate young women in the arts needed to maintain a house, as too much of their school day is filled up with trendy fluff like computers and sex ed. Please, let me know how things are going after a few weeks of this new regime, perhaps in a year you can write to tell us about little Eve, Matthew or Peter.

[editor's note, by jsm] "Onanism is a sin", for crying out loud! No it isn't, and a healthy adult male of sub-Thetan level ought to be aiming at masturbation twice-daily in the absence of sexual activity to prevent the buildup of dangerous plasmotoxins, engrams and other unpleasant biochemical byproducts. It is disgusting to me, speaking as a politically liberal scientific rationalist at the beginning of the twenty first century, that loons like Rightmann are still allowed to spout this crap, flying in the face of all known scientific evidence. I say go for it, sex will come if it wants to, if it doesn't then divorce was made cheap and easy for a reason. In the words of great musicians like Doug E Fresh, "Splurge on it!".

I hope adequacy.org readers have enjoyed this balanced (yet still controversial) article.