Well, last night was a kind of odd, semi-break of my no-fapping rule. My girlfriend and I were having another fight. As usual, it was about sex (I'm beginning to believe they all are, at least on some level.) Our last fight was two weeks ago. I was complaining about the fact that she seems to have no sexual energy. She never comes on to me, she always spends most of the time we are having sex complaining about something. It's all just a big turn-off. At the end of our fight two weeks ago, we agreed that she would try harder to initiate, while I would try to ease up.

Well, in those two weeks, we hadn't done anything. Anything at all. I was letting her hold the reigns and all she did was stop the carriage. I was frustrated (we were already over the U2 thing) and yesterday I let her know.

Finally, later during the night, after we'd spent some time apart, I started to give her a massage. One thing lead to another, and eventually I was massaging between her legs. She wasn't into it, though, and I could tell. All she did was complain about how her hairs were getting mangled and how uncomfortable everything was.

After a few minutes, she told me she didn't want to have intercourse. Instead, we would work on each other. So, I went down on her, but she didn't like that either. I swear, it was really starting to get on my self-esteem. I mean, I used to be good at oral sex. Hell, she used to love it. Now all she ever does is complain.

Finally, I gave up and tried my hand again. She told me to stop, saying she didn't like it being touched while it was so wet. She went to work on me, but I was so upset that nothing was happening. She gave up with her mouth and later with her hand. I took over and finished myself off, as she finished herself off right next to me.

You know what, that seems to be what sex had become for us, masterbating next to each other in bed. I'm sick of it. In fact, I'm practically at the point of breaking up with Laura right now. The trouble is, that will cause a huge amount of crap in both our lives. She'll probably want to move out, which would mean I'd have to move out since I can't afford my place on my own. That means we'd have to break the lease, which would cost us over $400. Then there's the fact that we're both members/officers of the Pagan Student Alliance. One of us would probably end up leaving, which would be a pain. (I've been there longer, and I manage the mailing list and web site. She's friends with more people, as I have a harder time connecting with college freshman...)

All I want is a relationship with passion. I know that to receive passion, you have to be deserving of passion. That's one of the reasons I'm working out. Still, I'm afraid that if I stay with my current girlfriend, I'll never find what I'm searching for.

So, am I going to break up? Who knows. The stability is addicting. I have a feeling, though, that if the stability was upset by something, oh, say this new manager coming in and firing me, than I'd be out of the relationship in a second. I've been thinking about the Army a lot recently. Sometimes I fantasize about a draft sweeping me away from this grey world. Sometimes I think about selling all my stuff and enlisting.

I Love my girlfriend, I really do. At this point, though, I know that we aren't going to be together forever. I mean, both of us knew that from the very moment we first started going out. Still, now I'm beginning to realize that I've spent two years of my life with her, and I'm getting the itch to move on.

I'm writing this here because I need to write this out. I can't write on K5, because she reads that (not to mention things there are far too public.) She swore to me she wouldn't read my adequacy diary, and since she doesn't even really "get" this site, (figuring that it's something like Geekizoid, which she hated) than I should be all right. If you didn't want to know any of this, well, than you should have noticed the disclaimer in the intro. If you didn't, well, than isn't it a shame that you read all the way to the very last word.