After writing my journal entry here Friday, I had a particularly interesting time. After I went home from that, I found my girlfriend, sleeping on the couch. With mace still stinging my neck and arms, I finally admitted to her the reason I decided to end the relationship.

I felt like I was stagnating. I felt like I wasn't deserving of passion. I felt like I wasn't doing anything to improve myself. I felt like being with her was keeping me from reaching that point of desperation, the intense, world-shaking isolation and sadness that would always wake me up and make me improve in the past.

Once I said it, it really didn't make as much sense. It also seemed to be a lot less related to her than I imagined it.

I was almost delirious from the lack of sleep, but I do remember what we decided. I need to work out my issues with myself, but we are both too in love with each other to break up. I realized that my desire for some kind of total loneliness is artificial, and only based on a few of my past experiences. I need to be able to improve myself without them...

My girlfriend was kind enough to get a soapy washcloth to help clean off the mace (I was too spent to actually shower) and I soon passed out from exhaustion.

I woke up in the morning with my girlfriend in my arms. She was awake as well, and looking into my eyes. I smiled and kissed her on the lips. She started crying. She didn't know if I remembered what we had talked about last night, and had spent hours while I slept worrying that I wouldn't remember the conversation. She was relieved.

So, that little moment of drama in my life is over. I still need to improve myself, but now I'm looking at it more optomistically. I'm not waiting for anything anymore. I'm doing it.