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Faludi has once again kicked me in the ass.
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'The man as sex object' seems to be the theme of the latest chapter of Stiffed, exploring that theme via the focus on Details magazine. Very interesting stuff, and it hit me a little too hard. Because I feel like I'm caught in that trap. I want to be a sex object. I want people to want to have sex with me. I feel like, with that possibility, I would be totally happy and content in my life. It's even worse than being a sex object, it's wanting to be a sex object, which is even worse. Being attractive, being physically fit, being rich, being well-connected, being powerful, being impressive. These are the supposed avenues to being sexually desired. These are the false idols that I feel myself compelled to chase (and, of course, the "other way", the mythical shortcut that will bring about the desired ends without the work) Who knows, perhaps if I work really hard, save up my money, and end up opening a bar downtown (one potential path for my future that's recently taken my fancy) then I will end up with enough money and social prestige to cause attractive women to want to have sex with me. Of course, not only would that be tons of work with lots of risk, but it would also be over a decade before I'm anywhere near realizing that plan. Perhaps if I get back on the workout plan I've fallen off (as if I could actually stick to anything) and get myself nice and fit. Hit the clubs on Sunday nights and present myself well (perhaps take a dance class or two) and make my mark that way. Of course, the very idea of me turning from the genial hardworking gental giant figure the people downtown perceived me as now into some kind of "bar stud" is utterly laughable (even if I was lean and muscular, I'm not certain that I would be able to lose the soft, non-sexual look I have right now.) Oh, and for those of you wondering about my girlfriend, of course, I love her, and I'm very satisfied with our sex life. It's not really more sex that I'm looking for. It's people wanting to have sex with me. It's being desired. It's striking up passion in another person. That's what I want. Why do I feel this way? Who knows. I am probably just generalizing one particular inadequacy in my life and imagining that if I conquered it the various other dissapointments in my life would go away. Either way, this is how I feel. Fortunantly, while I'm really vulnerable right now, I can trust you bastards to get swept up in making jokes and generally fucking around. I don't think I could stand the far more personal venom of K5 right now. |