In much the same way as America has been implementing a "highway beautification program", I think it is time we implemented a citizen beautification program. In fact, though I'm not into big gov'ment, I think legislation should be passed to require citizens to not be ugly.

With the current state of plastic surgery and quick weight-loss programs, there is no longer any excuse for someone to be unpleasant to the eye. Here, I will outline a few standards which I think would be a good basic start for a citizen beautification program.

Breast Size

Nothing is more disgusting than large, flapping breasts which probably have dried sweat encrusted between them from 12 years ago. Any woman with a bra size over 32-B should be forced to undergo breast reduction surgery. This surgery is so commonplace these days, it is an outpatient procedure.

This will have the benefit of cutting down on mysterious foul odors. It will also curtail fabric consumption (a severe environmental problem) and significantly enhance the general attractiveness of the population.

Pregnancy

The only thing more disgusting than large, flapping breasts is a pregnant woman. Any woman "with child" should be forced to stay at home, preferably locked in the basement. Practically every time I have to go to the store to buy food, I am visually assaulted by a gruesome, waddling mass of bulging flesh and unkempt hair.

Men seeing a pregnant woman walking about has probably destroyed more marriages than any other factor. I know from experience that when I have seen a random pregnant woman shuffling pathetically about, I have lost all desire to touch my girlfriend for several weeks afterward.

This should even be taken a step further and young girls who are obviously going to grow into extremely attractive 18 year old women should be rendered unable to bear children. Of course, their eggs would have to be harvested for a surrogate mother situation or cloning to make sure naturally beautiful girls continue to be produced.

Eye Color

Colored contacts are not the answer, as they are obviously not authentic. Our best scientific and artistic minds must be harnessed to produce a method of permanently altering a woman's iris color to the perfect shade of green or blue.

Hair Color

Again, dyes andw igs are no solution, since the color of the pubic hair is important (if not shaved). Therefore, all female fetuses without a genetic predisposition for blonde hair must be disposed of. Or a contract must be entered into with the people of the United States by the parents on behalf of the unborn child that the child will shave her pubic region and consistently bleach her hair upon reaching puberty.

Body Weight

Any woman who is overweight should be forced to begin a quick weight loss program. If the woman cannot reach a satisfactory weight, then she will be forced to undergo weight-reduction surgery. If the woman later puts the weight back on, she will be hanged at the pentagon.

A good rule of thumb would be 110 - 120 pounds for a woman 5'7" tall.

Children

Children should be kept at home. Period. Seeing one of these creatures puking up breast milk is one of the great horrors of my life. I would imagine such a scene would repulse Lucifer. If a child must be brought out of the home, it should be wrapped in cellophane and a thick comforter, preferrably a comforter with a tasteful floral design.

Conclusion

Well, I'm tired of typing now and I have to get back to work. And before the inevitable post comes up pointing out that Natalie Portman has brown eyes and hair: She is the exception to all rules.