i have decided to make a short film in which a midget is used as a football. i am having some issues getting this produced, however.

first, i need to find a midget. unfortunately, as i have found out recently, one cannot just walk into kmart and buy a midget. i know of at least two midgets in this area. i'm wondering if i should place a newspaper ad, put up wanted posters or maybe try an auction on ebay? any advice would be helpful.

second, once i find a midget, how do i tell it that it will be utterly humiliated in this short film? do i tell it at all? of course, i will have to use a stuffed dummy for some of the special effects shots, so the midget itself will probably not suffer too much torment during filming.

third, for the glorious final scene, i need to acquire a recording of the hammer music from the classic arcade game, donkey kong. if anyone knows where i might obtain this music, please let me know. i have searched the web and only found midi reproductions of the music. this is unacceptable. it MUST be the original music, and must not contain any other sound effects from the game.

any help will be greatly appreciated and credited in the film.