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jim lange: bachelor number one is a frequent poster on a popular website for the news-savvy elite. he enjoys strumming his guitar and getting bitchslapped by his wife. bachelor number two is a sophisticated open-source software advocate. his interests include writing about his newfound wealth and shooting innocent animals so he can stuff them and feel like the man he isn't. bachelor number three is a self-proclaimed troll. his interests include opalhawk and writing about opalhawk. |
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commercial break jim lange: okay, bachelors, are you ready to meet suzy?! bachelors: yes! jim lange: suzy, come on out and say hello to our bachelors! suzy comes out from behind the curtain. she is very attractive. she sits. suzy: hello bachelor number one. bachelor number one: hello, suzy! let us walk on the beach and throw stones at the moon. the audience sighs at the romantic vision. suzy: ewww... bachelor number one, you sound very news-savvy. hello bachelor number two. bachelor number two: hey, suzy! this may sound bizarre, but i'd like to show you my cathedral. the audience laughs and claps. suzy: why, bachelor number two! you really know how to get to the girls! hello, bachelor number three. osm: ummmm, whatever. i thought opalhawk was supposed to be on this show. the audience boos. commercial break jim lange: okay, suzy, you've said hello. now you can ask three questions to help you figure out which bachelor is going to accompany you on your dream-date to wichita kansas! suzy: yay! okay. bachelor number two. if you could be a tree, what kind of tree would you be and why? bachelor number two: i would be a california red-wood because i'm long and strong and i'm down to get the friction on! the audience screams with delight and applauds. suzy: very nice. okay. bachelor number one. what do you like to do on a first date? bachelor number one: i like to take chicks up to my elite office and strum my guitar for them. then maybe show them how manly i am by letting my wife bitchslap me a few times and then whining on adequacy.org. the audience screams with delight and applauds. suzy: ewwww. i like that! oh boy. bachelor number three. if you had to choose between being a billionaire and having world peace, which would you choose? bachelor number three: ummmm. opalhawk. duhhhh. the audience boos. suzy: alrighty. jim lange: okay suzy. now you must choose your dream-date! but first a few words from our sponsors. commercial break jim lange: okay, suzy. which bachelor did you choose? suzy: well, it was a really tough decision (giggles) but i think i'm going to have to go with bachelor number one! audience screams with delight and applauds. jim lange: great! we'll bring your bachelor out in a moment, but first let's see who you didn't choose! bachelor number two, come on out! esr walks out, gives suzy a hug and caresses her butt. suzy giggles and blushes as esr is escorted back-stage. jim lange: bachelor number three, come on out! osm comes out. suzy tries to hug him. osm: don't touch me! osm is escorted offstage. jim lange: okay, suzy, let's meet your dream-date! bachelor number one, come on out! spaceghoti walks out. he and suzy embrace. the audience screams and claps wildly. suzy, spaceghoti and lange blow the camera a kiss. end credits. ======================================================================== los angeles times in entertainment news today, a contestant on the "dating game," who is known only as "open source man" has filed a lawsuit against jim lange enterprises for fraud. open source man claims the show fraudulently lured him onto the show by claiming that opalhawk would be the "bachelorette." ======================================================================== open source man goes to trial judge: mr. man, you have no case here! you claim that jim lange enterprises told you that opalhawk would be on the show, so you signed the contract. yet, the contract says nothing about opalhawk appearing on the show. opalhawk bursts into the courtroom. the judge is awestruck by her incomprehensible beauty and charm. opalhawk: open-source man, you have taken on the american justice system to preserve my honor! my innocent young heart sings your praises! come away with me! judge: judgement is for the plaintiff in the amount of ten billion dollars and world peace! everyone in the courtroom: hoorah to open-source man and opalhawk! ========================================================================= a taudry hotel room somewhere in wichita kansas suzy removes her wig... she is a transvestite who is into sado-masochism! "she" pounds spaceghoti on the ass with a hickory switch. spaceghoti: oh god, please no! my buttocks yearns to be pampered with baby powder and oil of myrrh. each violent thrashing takes away another piece of my manhood! "suzy" laughs hysterically. ========================================================================= the black hills opalhawk: oh, osm! as we sit here in the spot where crazy-horse received his insights, you are like a candle in the wind. but your flame cannot be extinguished. osm: and you are like the salmon that swims a treacherous journey upstream to spawn! tenderly, they embrace.
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