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I don't remember exactly when my obsession with Sachi Koto began. What I recall when I think back on it is noticing this feeling of well being that would come over me whenever I watched her read the news on CNN. With Sachi, it was like the worst events - plane crashes, wars, some awful murder in some quiet town - were somehow, I don't want to say "not so bad", that sounds callous. It was like she, as the giver of bad tidings, was able to at the same time, imbue in us, her viewers, something like the strength to carry on in the face of it all.
So at first my fascination with Sachi took the usual forms, writing to CNN for the 8x10 glossy, buying the TiVo in order to record all her newscasts, starting up www.sachikotofans.org, like I said, the usual. But then, now I know this was around, three months ago, like last autumn, things started to, let's say, intensify.
First I noticed myself losing interest in all other activities apart from watching Sachi's newscasts, one after the other, scrutinizing them for subtle differences in her delivery. I took note of everything she did, every twitch, every slipped line, every blink. I tried to observe the way she breathed. Sachi became a vast flood of information that I categorized and catalogued. What was I looking for? I honestly don't know. The hidden secrets of the universe, I guess.
Yeah, definitely last autumn, because I will never forget that October, when, in an effort to clear my head of my endless thoughts about Sachi Koto, I tried becoming her, to see if that would help. I bought some clothes that looked like the ones Sachi wore. That was easy enough - though expensive - since by that point had memorized a couple of week's worth of her outfits. The next step came with purchasing some makeup and a Sachi wig. Man, what a weird month. I remember spending hours sitting in front of the mirror, all made up and dressed like Sachi, lip-syncing along with her newscasts. It was no use. I would never be her.
Then I started to be afraid. I tried becoming Sachi, and that didn't work. I was afraid my only alternative would be to possess her, and I was sane enough to know where that would lead. I didn't want to end up the subject of a sensationalistic true-crime book, but my nonstop thoughts about Sachi were making it impossible for me to function. I took a week's worth of my accumulated back sick leave and spent one day after another at home, doing nothing but moderating www.sachikotofans.org - deleting or flaming any message that I tought did not pay sufficient respect to Sachi - and watching Sachi's newscasts with my usual microscopic attention to detail. I'm sure I probably would have gone out a window if it hadn't been for the dreams.
Oh yes, the dreams. Just one, actually, the same dream two nights in a row. Real minimal, just me - my exact memory is not clear, I don't remember where I was - but I remember this glass statue of Sachi. When I reached out to touch it, it shattered, and I got all cut up. Then there was like this bronze statue of Sachi that turned out to be searing hot when I touched it. This went on for a while, with all kinds of different statues, each hurting me in a different way, until finally, there was Sachi herself, standing in the Dior outfit she wore on September 29th, holding this TV cable and smiling that peaceful smile of hers. She reached down and touched me with the cable, and all my injuries healed. Then she started growing until she was as big as the sky, then she was the sky, then everything went black, and I woke up.
And after that, I don't know, somehow I was able to function again. That was around Thanksgiving, when I finally got around to asking out Denise from Marketing's Cousin Gladdie. We sort of got a "weekend thing" going, and that kind of developed into a "three day a week thing", and well, I guess that brings me back to the present. So that's my story, and that's why I am retiring as uid=1 ( Cmdr Sachifan) of www.sachikotofans.org. I am leaving the site in the capable hands of Mojo Koto and sach_luvvr, who I'm sure will do a great job. This story is a little too sensitive to post on www.sachikotofans.org, but I do feel the need to - how do I say this? - confess, I guess, so I am posting it to this obscure weblog.
I still like to watch Sachi's newscasts when I'm home and they're on. I'm convinced that, even if she herself doesn't know it, she is some kind of angelic presence, a force for good in this cold world. She is probably off right now righting the cosmic balance in some way. Even if only through her soothing persona, as she placidly reads off another day's tally of scandal, death, and loss.
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