Hell in a Handbasket

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Hell in a Handbasket

Author:

osm

Topic:

Diaries

Posted:

Dec 05, 2001

Comments:

I just got off the phone with my mother. My mom has a friend who wants me to take her daughter out so her daughter can see what it's like to go out with a "nice guy".

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	Can't sleep? Bored with the same-ol' same-ol'?
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	crud
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	surgical strikes
	decisions, decisions
	lifestyle changes in face of terrorism
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	Why Natalie Portman Is Better Than Any Of You
	exorcising haunted attics
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	unfortunately, she speaks english
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	I Miss Hauntedattics
	Startling Revelation
	Occupying America
	Super Bowl Commercial
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	The Day the Dopes Came Over
	IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
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	I haven't been getting a whole lot of sleep
	This is my diary
	Queen Mum Spontaneously Reanimates, Does Elvis Imitation

This is a rather odd situation, since the daughter in question is only 17. If I was a 17 year old daughter and my mom tried to hook me up with me, I think I would have to murder her.

As it is, I can't stop laughing long enough to breathe. The woman is obviously deranged. She is probably being beaten by her drunk husband as I write this. I guess I would be doing her a favor by taking in her daughter and locking her in the basement until she hit's 23 and is no longer useful as a sexual outlet. Yeah, so I live in an apartment and locking her in the basement would mean putting her in an apartment with a dysfunctional couple who obviously married due to the "little surprise" that came spewing out of the oven and have the dude's sister living with them to help with the rent.

And OH the HEADRUSHES.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH

	Of course you realize... (3.00 / 1) (#1)
	by Anonymous Reader on Wed Dec 5th, 2001 at 09:41:48 PM PST

	...you owe it to bilions of loyal Adequacy readers to (1) go on this date, (2) Try to enjoy yourself, and (3) post every spine-curdling detail here in your diary for everyone to enjoy.

	Date != Sex. (none / 0) (#4)
	by tkatchev on Wed Dec 5th, 2001 at 10:19:41 PM PST

	Methinks somebody watched one too many cheap Hollywood movies about teenagers. Dating doesn't involve sex, or even a romantic involvement. -- Peace and much love...

	"METHINKS"?!?! (none / 0) (#6)
	by Anonymous Reader on Wed Dec 5th, 2001 at 10:29:25 PM PST

	Sorry, Kip Marlowe, I wasn't talking about sex, I was talking about all the little details that make dating so fun (read: agonizing): what they talked about, what they did, where they went, etc. Unlike you Russians, not all of us Americans constantly think about fucking 17 year old girls.

	hmmm... (5.00 / 3) (#7)
	by osm on Wed Dec 5th, 2001 at 11:14:06 PM PST

	Unlike you Russians, not all of us Americans constantly think about fucking 17 year old girls. speak for yourself.

	OK. (none / 0) (#9)
	by tkatchev on Thu Dec 6th, 2001 at 12:07:46 AM PST

	...not all of us Americans constantly think about fucking 17 year old girls. Really? Well, you could have fooled the rest of the 4.5 billion people inhabiting this Earth. Everybody knows that Americans as a group are completely deranged when it comes to sex. -- Peace and much love...

	Isn't 17... (5.00 / 2) (#2)
	by poltroon on Wed Dec 5th, 2001 at 09:42:23 PM PST

	several years early to begin dating? You should smoke a lot of something, so you're in your best form (but don't mention it to her) and settle in for a full night of monopoly. Maybe rent a boa constrictor, or find some friends who have one, and feed it mice. Actually, you could skip the snake and even the mice - your cats would do. Just scatter some of those empty cardboard mouse carriers around your apartment for effect. Put a whole lot of meat in your refrigerator. Show her your collection of dead deadly spiders and lizards. You also should be sure to have several computers with exposed entrails laying about. After the monopoly, go for a walk in a dark park, ideally near train tracks, and go there on a motorcycle. Tell her stories about how people have died in various spots. Develop a phobia about crossing bridges, even very tiny ones. I was very impressed by these sorts of things at her age, but I think I must have been at least 20 before I went on a date. And I'm perfectly normal. One's 40s are an adequate time to start thinking about marriage and family, since by then all the fun has been sapped out of life, so kids might make a decent diversion while you await death.

	Let me guess, you are female... (none / 0) (#3)
	by tkatchev on Wed Dec 5th, 2001 at 10:16:41 PM PST

	...and you're planning on childbirth in your forties? Are you truly serious? -- Peace and much love...

	Hey, (5.00 / 1) (#5)
	by poltroon on Wed Dec 5th, 2001 at 10:27:00 PM PST

	my mother was 44 when she had 16 pounds of twins. Granted, we had to be extracted, but it's certainly doable. It's kinda neat having parents who lived through Nazi Germany and partook in WWII. And they're not dead yet.

	that's sick (5.00 / 2) (#8)
	by osm on Wed Dec 5th, 2001 at 11:57:00 PM PST

	i can't believe how many people, even in the real world, are actually encouraging me to go out with this chick even though i'm almost twice her age. even i have limits.

	Better then monopoly (5.00 / 2) (#11)
	by Blarney on Thu Dec 6th, 2001 at 12:49:28 PM PST

	Maybe OSM can help her put on makeup. Young girls love painting their faces! I'm thinking probably lots of white base, with a red streak down the center of her lips would look very nice. Maybe he can also find a red gown and a gold hat with a pointy top and a couple sidepieces. This is a wonderful opportunity for a young girl to play dressup. I hope that she appreciates it.

	my goodness (3.00 / 1) (#10)
	by nathan on Thu Dec 6th, 2001 at 12:05:16 PM PST

	And I thought I was sleazy for casting a certain sort of eye upon someone who's 19 or 20. Osm, my hat is off. Nathan -- Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

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