In 2001 America, it seems that not a day goes by without the media reporting on yet another horrific act committed by the hands of our children. In the past few years, nightly newscasts have grown grimmer and grimmer .. and there is no indication that this trend will change anytime soon. Every time a child violence tragedy occurs, the news media diligently gets the reactions from the bystanders, and the question that the bystanders invariably ask is: "How could this have happened?"

How, indeed.

The liberal definition of "punishment" is a far cry from what it was when I was growing up. These days, if you suggest that children should be physically punished, you are immediately labeled a "child abuser" and a "sociopath." Instead, you are encouraged to use "non-violent" methods of punishment, and you are assured that these methods are just as effective as their corporal cousins. I ask you, Adequacy Reader: based on the headlines of the past few years, does that theory hold any water?

When I was growing up, there were three levels of misbehavior in our household:

1. Hand
2. Belt
3. Fireplace Poker

Now, I was not a perfect child, and so I got my fair share of Level 1 and a little bit of Level 2. (In the case of Level 2, the severity of the misbehavior determined which end of the belt that we got.) There were even a few incidents of Level 3 here and there, but because of my parents' love, devotion, and dedicated parenting, those incidents were few and far between.

Now here's the thing that liberals can't stand to hear: I am a better man because of it. When I was in school, I never once opened fire on a cafeteria full of my peers. I didn't steal cars. I didn't shoplift. I've never spent a single night of my life in a jail cell. I treat people with respect, calling them "sir" and "ma'am" as the occasion dictates. My parents beat me until I didn't know what day it was, and I hated it (believe you me, I hated it.) But now that I am older and wiser, I understand that it was the single greatest thing that they ever could have done for me.

Getting back to the current outbreak of youth violence, it's easy to understand why "school shooters" do what they do if we apply the failed liberal thinking. These children were doubtless under the impression that when the police apprehended them after their murderous antics, they would take them back to the police station and make them do a "fifteen-minute timeout", wherein they would stand in the corner of the station and contemplate what Bad Boys they'd been. Then they would release them and they would be free to skateboard back to the video arcade where they could play Mortal Kombat and Zaxxon and all of the other games that the kids are playing.

This is the epitome of Failed Liberal Thinking. Children are wonderful, and they are a blessing from God, but let's face it; children are stupid. Without the proper administration of physical punishment, they will be under the impression that nothing they do is bad. Beating children is not something that we should particularly enjoy, but at the end of the day, a spirited beating is the only way that we can get the message across. Playing liberal mind games with kids will accomplish nothing.

At this point, it's worth mentioning that discipline does not necessarily have to be applied on a "case-by-case" basis. In fact, many experts believe that regularly-scheduled beatings can improve children's behavior even more effectively. Parents can decide on a designated "beating hour"; in my household, it is Thursday nights at 7:00 PM. Now, the common objection to this is "children should not be beaten unless they have done something wrong, and regularly-scheduled beatings violate this principle." I cannot swallow this argument, for the following reasons:

1. Children don't just misbehave in front of you. Often, they will do things that you know nothing about, and can know nothing about. For example, if your child goes over to an unsaved friend's house and watches MTV, you have no specific way of knowing about it. That doesn't mean that the behavior should go unpunished, though; scheduled beatings allow you to make sure that nothing slips through the cracks.

2. Regular beatings can help to extinguish thoughts about disobedience. For example, your child may be harboring ideas about going to the school library and checking out a Harry Potter book behind your back. A strict act of discipline should shatter such impudent thoughts into a million pieces and scatter them to the winds. This leads directly into the third reason:

3. Punishment is not the only purpose of disciplining children! Strict discipline also serves to remind your child that you are in charge, and that there are consequences for untoward behavior, even if no such behavior has occurred! Your child may be angelic for three straight years, but without periodic guidance, there is an overwhelming chance that he or she will slide at some point in time.

So now that we've established that beatings are an unfortunate but necessary part of parenting, we need to establish some ground rules to make sure that they do not get out of hand. Physical punishment, like most things, can be taken to an extreme level. There is a line that we dare not cross, and we need to make sure that when we dispense punishment, we do so in a responsible manner.

1. Beatings should always take place in the immediate vicinity of a telephone, should medical assistance be necessary. A cellular phone is an acceptable substitute.
2. Care should be taken to avoid breaking limbs whenever possible.
3. Skin should not be broken, but in cases where it is, a generous supply of Band-Aids (TM) and hydrogen peroxide should be on hand.
4. Discipline activities that will likely result in visible bruising should be done on "discreet" areas of the body that will be covered by clothing.

I don't like this any more than you do. But I look at today's generation of children, and I am saddened. The "modern" liberal thinking has resulted in a group of children that are hateful and impudent; these are kids who would just as soon shoot you dead than hold the door open for you. The truth is obvious; children should be beaten, and they should be beaten often. They should not be beaten savagely or maliciously, and (as I have said) we should take no undue pleasure in performing this duty. But the death toll that has resulted from leftist childraising techniques is quickly becoming incalculable, and it's time that we, as parents, realize that "political correctness" does not imply moral or logical correctness.