Using standard analytic techniques, I have combed InterNet and the available body of ethnographic literature to perform Statistical Analysis on raw data. The secret truth is that the Cancer Lifestyle, far from being a liberating journey away from the toil of family life, is in reality a deviant subculture -- whose members are prone to a shocking array of moral deviances, a variety of statistically correllated practices which harm both Pro-Cancer zealots and members of society in contact with them. The three most striking depravities, the ones I've scientifically determined to be most statistically likely to harm the American Way, are as follows.

CANNIBALISM

Here's one thing the Cancerists have left out of their recruitment literature: those with N-stage Cancer -- considered the most elite of the Cancer underground -- almost always (96% in the Northeast and Midwest, 91% in the western and southern states) indulge in human cannibalism.

Although many Americans (47% nationwide) experiment with cannibalism, especially in college, most abandon the practice after marriage. N-stage Cancerists, however, tend to engage in the practice regularly.

(It should be noted that all Cancerists are likely to indulge in cannibalism, but this trend is greatly pronounced with N-stage cancer.)

The cancerous describe a strong rush when consuming the flesh of "normals." Skin is a great delicacy; facial skin is especially coveted, and is referred to as "stuff" or "junk" by Cancerist addicts. "The skin, the dope, that's the thing," described an interviewee with lung cancer. "When you can't get it, man, it's like, it's death, death itself inside you. Shit, you don't know, man. Death, fucking death itself."

CONSORTION WITH THE COMATOSE

The occult history of the comatose's influence on world politics is far too complex and disturbing to recount here. Interested readers should consult Henry Ford's Protocols of the Elders of Zion or the writings of Mark Fuhrman.

In brief, the comatose are linked through a still-mysterious psychic/gnostic aether; through this evil comradery they are able to plot the downfall of nations and contamination of cultures. Their agents among the living -- examples include Napolean Bonaparte and director George Lucas -- are allowed to rise back to conscious society as spies before returning to undeath. These individuals are celebrated by naieve doctors as having "beaten the coma." (These individuals may appear to have escaped their comas. But no one ever escapes the comatose.)

Philosophers and Sociologists are only beginning to comprehend this murky conspiracy, but a link between the comatose and the cancerous is obvious. The most recent Argentine coup -- a breast cancer induced toppling of capitalist leaders -- had been prophesied by several CIA-captured comatose. Al Qedada, the criminal Islamite organization headed by Yassir Aerofat, is steered with the help of the worldwide comatose organization. (This fact has been confirmed no less a personage than Attorney General and Missourian John Ashcroft.) The dark communion between the comatose and cancerous is indisputable and terrifying.

CATHOLICISM

Catholicism isn't just for the proletariat anymore. From the potato-littered slums of Boston, proto-Christian beliefs are -- as if from the pages of long-discarded history texts -- coming back into popularity. Papism is wildly popular among the cancerous, seemingly more so than mainstream religions.

This link is probably due to the parallels between the Cancer Lifestyle and almost-charming quirks of Catholicism. The cancer victims' choice to bodily cultivate a new life form, perhaps as a substitute for childbirth, is akin to the Catholic transubstantiation ritual. Equally noteworty is the Catholic ability to channel the spirits of dead Popes. Many an innocent passerby in the less savoury quarters of American cities has had to dodge fireballs from an Irishman loosing his Roman magic. This powerful channelling fulfills an obvious psychosexual need for the cancerous.

CONCLUSION

What will happen when this Papal sorcery is widely mastered by the cancerous? How will this be used to aid the shifting, impenetrable designs of the comatose? Aided by the political influence of those undead sleepers, how many humans will the cancerous be able to sate their hunger with?

And most importantly, when will the Liberal Media awake to the downsides of the cancer lifestyle? Alert them, I say! A thousand times: ALERT THEM!