The first step in this proof is to humbly bow our collective heads and recognize that we are but lowly sinners. The sin of the woman Eve, which cursed the world and introduced death and decay processes, is a malady that plagues us to this day. We cannot deal with this sin alone, nor can we hope to enter the kingdom of God without having the burden of sin lifted from our backs. This is why God sent His son, Jesus Christ of Nazareth, to save the planet Earth from sin. This was no small chore; Mankind being the filthy wretches that we are, it took 33 years for Christ to accomplish his task. With His death on the cross, we were finally saved. The Kingdom of God beckons us.

The question that weighs most heavily on the mind of the devout Christian is "Where is Jesus?" The Bible clearly states that Jesus should have returned during the lifetimes of the original Apostles:

"For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father's glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what he has done. I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom." (Matthew 16: 27-28)

When the Lord says that He's telling the truth, I believe Him. So He should have returned by now. The only thing that could possibly keep Him from returning to His throne here on Earth is the much more important activity of saving others from sin. This poses the question .. which others? If Earth has already been cleansed of sin, where else could he possibly be? I believe that Jesus' absence, combined with the previous Scripture quote, is compelling and incontrovertible evidence that Christ is working His sin-cleansing magic on other intelligent civilizations.

Now, some might suggest that saving multiple planets from sin is an activity that can be done "in parallel"; that God is able to do them all at once. This would imply that God has sent out multiple Jesii at once to save other civilizations from sin. But this is a damnable heresy since it implies that God has more than one son and that He can send them out like common errand boys. Furthermore, if this were true, it would mean that the cherished concept of the Holy Trinity (One Father, One Son, and One Holy Spirit) would be false. This would amount to a Scriptural error and so therefore it cannot possibly be true. It can thus be conclusively said that saving a planet from sin is a job for Jesus (and Jesus alone), and that He only saves one planet as a time, as per the time-honored teachings of Scripture.

So let us postulate that Christ's absence is because He is saving other civilizations from sin. This is a job that took Him 33 years on this planet. I believe that it is correct and just to assume that if it took Him 33 years here, it will take Him 33 years everywhere. After all, the Lord can do no wrong; if 33 years is the required amount of time to cleanse the wretched sins of our planet, it is only logical to assume that 33 years is the standard amount of time it takes everywhere. To assume otherwise would imply an imperfect Christ, which would amount to heresy and a Biblical contradiction, which is a logical impossibility.

The next question we need to ask is related to the light travel time between the Earth, Heaven, and other intelligent civilizations in the Universe. Is God restricted by the speed of light? If so, then the figure of 33 years per civilization needs to be increased appropriately. However, I think the answer to this question is quite plainly "no"; after all, God does not live on the Moon or in the Orion Nebula. He lives in His heavenly kingdom, and all that He needs to do is to will His son into the womb of a virgin. It doesn't matter if that virgin lives on Earth, or if she lives on a planet orbiting Mu Andromedae, or if she lives in the Spindle Galaxy. If God wills it, it happens. "Light travel time" has nothing to do with it. Albert Einstein was certainly a smart man, but in a fistfight with the Almighty, he loses.

So let's recap what we have established:

• The Bible is the word of God and contains no errors.
• The Bible claims that Jesus Christ of Nazareth should have returned to this planet during the lifetime of the original Apostles.
• The only Scripturally-acceptable reason to explain Jesus' absence is that He is saving other planets from their sinful burdens.
• Christ requires 33 years to cleanse a planet of sin.
• It is the year 2001; Christ ascended to Heaven in the year 33. This means that there have been 1968 years that He could have potentially returned in. (2001 - 33 = 1968.)

And now it's time for us to draw a scientific conclusion from these observations: There are at least 59 intelligent, sinning alien civilizations. Deriving this number is an elementary matter of dividing the total number of years of Jesus' absence by the time required to save a civilization. Dividing 1968 by 33 yields 59.6363, a number which we must round down to the nearest whole number. This gives us 59, which is the Scripturally-proven minimum number of intelligent civilizations in the Universe.

Now, I admit that this proof is not nearly as thunderous as actually receiving a message from one of these civilizations. But you don't get much more authoritative than the Bible. And this proves that you don't need to waste CPU cycles with SETI@Home to demonstrate that we are not alone. Let us hope that we one day meet our brothers in Christ, and let us hope that we can learn to use our worlds together and use them in peace.