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Poll
Real men drink...
Vodka 23%
US/Canadian Whiskey 5%
Irish Whiskey 13%
Scotch 15%
Bourbon 5%
Rum 2%
Tequila 18%
Gin 13%
Wine 2%
Brandy 0%

Votes: 38

 The rise of pseudo-connoisseurship and beer

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Aug 24, 2001
 Comments:
For virtually its entire existence the U.S. was rightfully derided as a vast wasteland of uncultured beasts. Not only did we lack the history and urbanity of Europe, but as time went on we rejected the entire idea of it and wallowed in our coarse and vulgar nature. We invented canned vegetables, fast food, TV dinners, and the microwave oven. We willfully debased our palates and denied ourselves anything refined.

However, the recent economic boom has resulted in a massive alteration of how we perceive ourselves. Like all nouveau riche, we now wish to think that we are capable of appreciating the finer things in life as well as our European ancestors. The evidence of this is abundant, from the explosion of "gourmet" coffee shops to the trendiness of sushi. Sadly, leopards will always have spots and US will always be peopled with dietary philistines. Nowhere is this more evident than in the realm of adult beverages. Do we explore wine, cordials, and fine spirits? No, we drink beer.

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Yes, the US is a country of beer drinkers. This has always been known, but only recently have the masses made the sad attempt to elevate beer drinking to the level of connoisseurship. The reasons for this are no different than those which cause young girls to fawn over boy bands, giggling amongst themselves about the supposed differences from one to the next. They simply do not know any better because they lack the maturity - and the degree of taste that it brings - to understand why something they love is in fact no better than goat piss.

Admittedly, the world of wine and spirits is a bit involved for someone who debates whether to have a Whopper or a Big Mac for lunch. Wine alone has multiple divisions and subdivisions, starting with the basics of grape color, and ending with a bewildering array of Merlots, Gewrurztraminers, Pinot Noirs and so on, not to mention all the regional differences. This level of complexity is simply beyond the abilities of someone who can only characterize their drink as "yeasty" or "hoppy", knowing only whether the beverage more resembles a vaginal infection or an additive used to prevent ergot poisoning.

Perhaps the world of fine wines is best left not understood, lest it be dragged into the swirling quagmire of ignorance that spirits are subject to in this country. Never mind that a typical American can't tell the difference between a Glenhaven Single Malt and an Usquaebach Blended, they don't even understand the differences (or similarities!) between Scotch and Bourbon. As far as they are concerned, the entire purpose of a spirit is to get really drunk really fast, leading them to things like Everclear. Relegating spirits to the realm of projectile vomiting, they never learn to appreciate the mineral overtones of Citadelle Gin or the caramelized fruit palate of Ron Zacapa Centenario Rum.

Even when Americans do make an attempt at enjoying a mixed drink, they do it incorrectly, or at least badly. Take the resurging popularity of martinis, for example. Thousands and thousands of young adults thinking they are sophisticated by asking simply for "a martini", and countless bartenders across the land giving them vodka and vermouth without a second thought. Nothing wrong with vodka martinis, of course, but a proper martini is made with gin. If the customer isn't knowledgeable enough to specifically ask for the correct drink, then it is the duty of a qualified bartender to request that they be more clear and thereby help educate the young. Of course, this never happens.

Liqueur and brandy? Nope, those words are not even in the US vocabulary. A relaxing nightcap is the same as what was used to wash down hotdogs at the baseball game. An after dinner cocktail? Beer. Celebrating a business deal? Beer. Proposing to your girlfriend on a romantic, moonlit terrace overlooking the ocean? Pop open a brewski and belch like a dying hippopotamus.

Of course, as mentioned above, there is this need to feel that swilling brackish, bubbly barley is some sort of art form. People give names and descriptions to the stuff like it means something, and even hold tastings in some desperate attempt to emulate the wine societies. Further, they laud the products of "micro-breweries" as something special, when the only thing that makes them different is that they can't sell enough to keep the price reasonable. And as a final pathetic ploy to gain respect, there is some idiotic "home brewing" trend floating about, ostensibly under the pretense that somebody who spends all day in an office looking at a computer screen is capable of taking the ingredients used throughout history to produce the drink of commoners and somehow crafting them into the elixir of the gods.

I fully expect that the US will remain a beer drinking nation. I have no problem with this, since it is well-established that nobody here is capable of appreciating fine cuisine and beverages. What I object to is the attempted elevation of the practice into something it is not. Beer is not a delicate flower, blooming in your glass like ouzo. Beer is not a hand-crafted product learned of from ancestors like grappa. Beer is a cheap, unremarkable drink created solely for the sake of satisfying the rank of file of society in as simple and practical a manner possible. Do not pretend it is anything else.


American Beer? (3.50 / 2) (#3)
by Wiggy on Fri Aug 24th, 2001 at 08:11:12 AM PST
Well, I could go on about the Budweiser vs. Budvar campaign that has gone through a dozen or so countries right now, but I won't. What I will say is this.

American Beer is not Beer.

Budweiser, along with a variety of other US 'beers' is effectively made with rice. That isn't beer in my book, and being from the North of England, I'd like to think I know something about beer. If you're into Bitter, then England is where you want to be. If you like your Lager, probably Germany or the areas of Europe around the Czech. region. If you don't like alcohol, go to Holland which has the finest no-alcohol beer in the world.

However, don't assume that beer is any less a fine product than wine. It's just American beer is absolutely awful. Seriously - I'd rather drink my own wee. Instead, American beer drinkers should be encouraged to investigate what other beers are available to them.

Perhaps we should all start looking at the quality of our food as a whole. Not a bad plan.


Try Belgian beer (5.00 / 3) (#4)
by Tycho on Fri Aug 24th, 2001 at 09:05:14 AM PST
However, don't assume that beer is any less a fine product than wine.

Indeed, to fully experience this, visit Belguim. The Belgians treat beer like the French do wine.

I once visited a Belgian pub that served over 120 different beers. I had to be physically extracted from that place. There is a lot more to Belgian beer than Stella Artois


Jesus Christ (none / 0) (#11)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Aug 24th, 2001 at 12:41:36 PM PST
I would have to be physically extracted from a place if I drank over 120 different beers too! Don't feel bad!


 
yes - american beer. (5.00 / 1) (#5)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Aug 24th, 2001 at 09:25:35 AM PST
As someone who has lived in both America and England, I have to say that I much prefer American beer to the thick brown sludge advocated by 'real ale' types over here. Of course my appreciation of 'real' ale is not helped by the real ale types themselves - they are beardies and sandle-wearers to a man.

There must be a certain sort of inferiority complex which leads people to cast aside the choices offered by mainstream society, and embrace less-pleasent, non-working alternatives ('real' ale, alternative lifestyles, 'free' software). These people then get the ego boost that they need by sneering at the rest of society for not being part of their chosen elite.

It's a shame that the internet is such a hotbed of this kind of childish thinking.

David Jatt


American "Beer" (5.00 / 1) (#10)
by dmg on Fri Aug 24th, 2001 at 12:09:23 PM PST
American Beer is like making love in a canoe.

It's fucking close to water.

As an American, I would rather slit my wrists than drink the piss water that passes for beer in my home country. I have travelled extensively in Europe and would recommend Duvel, and Fuller's 1845 over anything produced in the USA.



time to give a Newtonian demonstration - of a bullet, its mass and its acceleration.
-- MC Hawking

At least Americans chill their beer. (none / 0) (#12)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Aug 24th, 2001 at 01:27:51 PM PST
American Beer is like making love in a canoe.


It's fucking close to water.


If by that you mean that the principal componant of American beer is water, then you are correct. British beer - at least the varieties favoured by 'real' ale types - seems to be primarily made of organic matter and mud.

David Jatt


Organic matter? I should hope so! (none / 0) (#13)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Aug 24th, 2001 at 04:49:41 PM PST
What do you think hops are, smartass?


 
Are you sure you know what you're talking about? (none / 0) (#15)
by Wiggy on Sat Aug 25th, 2001 at 04:16:28 AM PST
As someone who has lived in both America and England, I have to say that I much prefer American beer to the thick brown sludge advocated by 'real ale' types over here.

Ah, a common mistake made by people who haven't got a clue what the hell they're talking about. OK, American beer is brewed as a 'lager'. What you refer to as 'real ale' is a bitter - whether it be a mild, a best, etc. it's all bitter. The breweing methods and ingredients are entirely different. Seeing as you're American and obviously incapable of discerning between the two, I'll give you a quick clue for future reference:

Lager normally has bubbles in it

Right, so now we've cleared this, up, let's just go back to American beer. In almost every pub in Manchester, you can buy at least one of the following (in descending order of niceness): Budvar, Krombacher, Grolsch, a variety of 'exports', Becks, Stella Artois and a few others whose name evades me - they're all lagers, not the 'real ale' bitter you talk about. In addition, I should point out that although they all seem 'European' in origin, in general they are all brewed in the UK for the UK market, just as Guinness for the US market is brewed in the US. Anyway... In America, you produce ... well, Budweiser, Coors, and... umm... Miller? Oh dear. I think Europe is winning on this one quite nicely. The fact that none of the American beers are generally placed on draught in any UK pub shows how discerning we are above the US on this matter.

In my opinion, beers like Fosters, Carling, Castlemain, are all 'budget lagers' and are meant to be cheap and just get you drunk. Just like Budweiser. However, increasingly in the UK, and for some time now in Europe, 'premium lagers' are becoming more common place. If you can't stomach real ale (few non-English can) then start enjoying the rest of the beers on offer

Just stop trying to tell us that crap you call beer in the USA is any good at all.


real ale (none / 0) (#23)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Aug 31st, 2001 at 08:46:34 AM PST
a "real ale" is not just a "bitter." You can learn all you like about the varities of beer in Charles Papazian's _The Complete Joy of Homebrewing_.


 
Agreed on one point at least (none / 0) (#6)
by eWulf on Fri Aug 24th, 2001 at 09:33:09 AM PST
Perhaps we should all start looking at the quality of our food as a whole. Not a bad plan.

Absolutely, we Brits are pretty much as bad as the Yanks for eating and drinking crap. People living in the land were Fosters and Carling are two of the biggest selling beers shouldn't critisise Americans too loudly.


... and one more thing (none / 0) (#7)
by eWulf on Fri Aug 24th, 2001 at 09:37:42 AM PST
Furthermore, if you go into a bar in the UK and ask for a 'Martini' as described in the artical then you will be given Martini (TM) brand Vermouth, possibly with lemonade so I don't think we have any claim to sophistication whatsoever.


I can beat that (none / 0) (#14)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Aug 24th, 2001 at 04:51:39 PM PST
Try asking for a martini in Australia. You'll receive no drink, but you do get a blank look, while the bartender struggles to decipher the unfamiliar word.


 
Martini? No, sod off! (none / 0) (#16)
by Wiggy on Sat Aug 25th, 2001 at 02:02:13 PM PST
I once worked in a bar in a hotel and man came in demanding a Martini - a freshly made one. It wasn't on our cocktails list, it was 4 deep at serving, I didn't have time and refused. He demanded. I argued. He argued more. I made him the worst Martini he will have ever had in his life. That'll teach him to be so pushy next time. The look on his face was magical.


 
American beer used to be good (5.00 / 1) (#8)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Aug 24th, 2001 at 10:47:35 AM PST
The current "watered down" product is not what we used to make. We used to make beer that was as good as the European stuff. During WW2, factory workers wanted something more refreshing. Instead of asking them politely to drink water, the beer co's reformulated their product to cater to their wishes. For some reason, we never went back to "ye olden ways" of making beer. I guess they liked it back then. So now we're stuck with it. Feh.

Tycho is correct about Belgian beer. I had an opportunity to sample several Belgian beers not too long ago. Some of the best stuff I've tasted. Even the strawberry beer was damn good.


 
duh (5.00 / 1) (#9)
by alprazolam on Fri Aug 24th, 2001 at 11:10:15 AM PST
As far as they are concerned, the entire purpose of a spirit is to get really drunk really fast

well no shit genius, of course that's the point. That's the fucking reason you work, own a refrigerator, and have a mouth. What else is there to do other than drink (well pills ok but those are just evolved forms of beer really).


 
Wow (none / 0) (#17)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Aug 25th, 2001 at 08:55:10 PM PST
So tell me, do you always blather on like this about topics that you are, quite obviously, painfully ignorant about?


How so? (none / 0) (#18)
by zikzak on Sat Aug 25th, 2001 at 11:56:31 PM PST
You see, rather than hurl accusations and insults about, I have taken pains to craft my sentiments into a logical, cohesive article. Perhaps you should do the same.

You see, the way things work around here is that if you find yourself in disagreement with content of a story or comment, then you are obligated to post a detailed reply refuting and rebutting what the original author has posited. Failure to make any reply constitutes acceptance that the author had made valid points and reached the correct conclusions.

You, however, have done neither. You have issued a direct attack on my piece without offering one single shred of fact, or even anecdote, to bolster your claim. This reveals you to be, in my eye, someone who knows that they are wrong (and myself right), but resents having this proven and thereby seeks to steer the discussion into the realm of name calling and slander.

I will have none of this! I call you out, sir (or madam), and insist that you either support your outrageous claims with worthy rhetoric, or withdraw your remarks post haste and offer me the apology I deserve.


 
Hey... (none / 0) (#19)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Aug 29th, 2001 at 08:30:15 PM PST
I have a bottle of Citadelle on my shelf...does that make me pretentoius too?


um (none / 0) (#21)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Aug 30th, 2001 at 09:07:28 PM PST
yes...


 
Just because yankees can't cook (none / 0) (#20)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Aug 30th, 2001 at 02:32:48 PM PST
I have no problem with this, since it is well-established that nobody here is capable of appreciating fine cuisine and beverages.

Sheeeut, speak only for your own yankee ass boy. Down here in the south we know how to cook and how to brew the best damn whiskey in the world (btw, the only thing that distinguishes bourbon is where it is made... Bourbon County, Kentucky to be exact). What? We don't boil everything and eat sardines for breakfast like the limeys? We don't have to drown our food in sauces to disguise the fact that we haven't quite gotten the hang of refrigeration and keeping food fresh like the frogs? We don't just cram everything unspeakably hideous into a stomach lining like the far more beer-swilling krauts? The only people in europe who can cook worth a shit are the wops and they got all their decent shit from the chinks.


Well ... (none / 0) (#25)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Sep 3rd, 2001 at 01:53:57 AM PST
You're having a bad day, aren't you?


 
Fuck that shit... (none / 0) (#22)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Aug 31st, 2001 at 08:25:29 AM PST
... PABST BLUE RIBBON!!!!


Nati Lite (none / 0) (#24)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Aug 31st, 2001 at 03:05:29 PM PST
Ohhh man, no one knows the joys of Natural Lite to a piss poor college student. However when I do have money, it goes into quality. I can still enjoy a six pack of newcastle, lowenbrau or becks. Again, when I have the money to blow on beer I buy good. When rent is due next week, I am drinking "Rocket Fuel Malt Liquir"


 
Hey... (none / 0) (#26)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Sep 10th, 2001 at 12:46:24 PM PST
you forgot 'beer' as a choice in your 'Real Men Drink...' poll.

Anyway, I like beer. Yes, there is bad beer. There's good beer, too. It happens, you know.

Also, you appear to have your head firmly planted in your ass. Let's look at this sentence:

They simply do not know any better because they lack the maturity - and the degree of taste that it brings - to understand why something they love is in fact no better than goat piss.

Translation: It is clear that, because I do not like beer, it is worthless as a drink. If you do not agree with me, it must be the case that you do not understand.

Don't worry, your point of view is typically American: "I don't understand something, there must be something wrong with it." Perhaps if you tried to learn a bit more,....But I doubt it. You seem to have set your mind to being an alcohol snob. Whatever.
In any case, if you show up at the pub, I'll buy you a single-malt, if they carry anything that won't offend your delicate constitution. And I'll tell 'em to keep the beer away from you.


 
What the...? (none / 0) (#27)
by FnkyFrdChkn on Tue Jul 2nd, 2002 at 03:36:00 PM PST
Who the hell do you think you are? What makes you think you're so special as to be SO sophisticated as compared to the beer swilling masses of America? People can drink what they want to drink, and if they enjoy it who the hell are you to judge them? You're the kind of person who constantly needs to spout out big words and ellevate yourself over other people by being a crude jerk in general because there is nothing remarkable about you. You're the kind of person who makes fun of the jocks in high school to your little chess club buddies because the truth is they are actually doing something with their lives. They aren't sitting in their room, sipping some merlott and reading about the adventures other people who never existed had. I drink beer when I want to get drunk, I drink liqour when I want to get drunk, and I drink wine when I get drunk, if I want to. Some times I just like to drink it because it DOES go good with dinner, because it does taste fine. What the hell do you think it was made for int he first place? Was ancient civiliation created so people could sit around and sip their mead? Hell no, it was created so they could sit still long enough to make their liqour and get drunk. So go ahead with your little rant about there being no class to America. So what I say, those people who Europians hold so high in regard are DEAD. This is our world and we're allowed to have fun if we want to.


 

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