#9: Deep Dish Global Underground 21 - Moscow - The bottom of the top this week is yet another entry in the always exciting field of continuous DJ dance mixes. I haven't heard anything from this album yet, but I really don't need to, either. As we all know, this sort of music is all about taking drugs, and when you're good and fucked up you won't much care what's spinning anyway. The 2nd hand bin in your local music shop is guaranteed to be overflowing with dozens of these things, and I see no need to shell out the $18.97 Amazon is asking when you can have something that sounds exactly the same for under $5.00.

#8: Alana Davis Fortune Cookies - I had never heard of this artist before today. Apparently she has been releasing albums since 1997, but I guess I missed them all. I was going to give a few tracks a listen until I saw that all the songs had really lame titles like I Want You, A Chance With You, and God Of Love. This is obviously chick music, and I would rather not sully my speakers with it.

#7: Chris Botti Night Sessions - Holy sweet mother of god, it's The Son of Chuck Mangione! Ok, not really, but this is "light jazz" so let's just move right along, shall we?

#6: Various Artists American Roots Music - The Various Artists have had a stunningly long and successful career, spanning literally every genre of music ever created. This outing from them is a 4 disc boxed set of "roots music" which unfortunately sounds like they were trying to emulate Bob Dylan's early, formative years. Maybe if these folks had kept at it a little longer they could have developed these tracks into quality modern folk music, but I'm afraid it is all just too raw in its current form.

#5: Lenny Kravitz Lenny - From 1972-1978 Bob Newhart was the star of a wildly popular situation comedy called The Bob Newhart Show. After a short break, Mr. Newhart returned to television with an even more popular show titled simply Newhart (there's a little bit of Larry, Darryl & Darryl in all of us, you know). Eight years later Mr. Newhart took another brief sabbatical before launching his third situation comedy. Attempting to capitalize on his previous efforts, this one was named just plain Bob. Unfortunately, Bob bombed in the ratings, and Mr. Newhart has spent the past 9 years effectively unemployed.

#4: John Williams, Various Artists Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone - Finally a bit of music for us Muggles! No doubt this album will be played quite a bit around ol' Hogwart's this session. We can thank John Williams (accompanied by the still prolific Various Artists) for providing us with musical magic that will ward off even the most dastardly deeds of Lord Voldemort.

#3: Backstreet Boys Hits-Chapter One - This is a somewhat melancholy moment for us Backstreet Boys fans. Sure, all the great songs that provided the backdrop to our slumber parties and gossip sessions are here, but the release of a Greatest Hits album can mean only one thing - AJ, Nick, Howie, Brian and Kevin are all grown up now, and soon we will be too. Still, we can take comfort in knowing that this is only Chapter One, implying that the Boys will be equally adept at the next stage of their careers as they have been with the first, and that we will have many more Greatest Hits compilations to look forward to in the future.

#2: Barbra Streisand Christmas Memories - Oh please, you must be kidding me! Fuck that Yentl bitch and the nose she rode in on.

#1: Michael Jackson Invincible - That's right, holding the number one spot this week is none other than the King of Pop himself, Michael Jackson. Funny thing is, a lot of people seem to think the King is all washed up. This isn't surprising to those of us who have followed the Gloved One's career, of course. And it's not the hyperbaric oxygen chambers and child molestation scandals that's wrecking it, either. You see, we have always relied on black musicians to push the boundaries of cutting edge pop music, from jazz to rock to rap. Since Michael is no longer black, he is also no longer relevant, and from a pop music standpoint that means he can just moonwalk his Thrillin' ass stage left and Beat It back to Neverland.