Hard Truths

Nothing undercuts whatever scaffold of confidence one manages to construct like the kind of casual gossip that is a constant shadow when you're unique; all that seems to matter is that someone said whatever and credibility is automatically vested, without question.

I am reminded of the movie Wings of Desire right now -- I am the angel who dared to become human and my gods have dropped heavy armor from above to remind me of my mortal state, drawing blood in the process. And I, too, chose to trade this real protection for a more colorful coat of thinner cloth. But unlike the newly-human angel, I've lived long enough to understand the price paid in making these choices.

It's not the fact that the past won't stay dead that bothers me -- I work hard to have as few regrets as possible. Instead, it's the fact that this is my third time around the block in this game in almost 20 years' time and nothing ever really changes -- apparently not even me.

Each time I rekindle my hope for a place where ideas and thoughts matter more than whatever detritus someone can unearth in a few minutes of haphazard digging, rubble not in situ, when maybe I should just face the fact that the ideal version I keep imagining ain't ever gonna be real.

I keep hoping to find allies, but instead I'm still a lightning rod for assholes with too much time on their hands. While youth is not a crime, some of you who read this need to realize that you're such children, really -- quick to judge and label because it's so much easier than seeking the truth, asking for the other side of the story or making an honest effort to understand something not yet within your current frame of reference.

The only real definition of "mental illness" is to keep doing exactly the same thing time and again, continuing to expect a different result from the repeated action in each instance. Maybe it's time for me to accept this truth, cut my losses and move on.

Maybe it's unfair to expect those who haven't yet tasted much of life to know that mistakes are the dues paid in making an effort to truly be alive in vivid technicolor.

Maybe I shouldn't try writing again if I have little of any real significance to impart and the best I can do is seek to amuse, leaving it instead to those who can do so with greater ease and grace, and also with less personal investment.

Maybe it's simply time to for me to accept that the world is not particularly kind to those wish to live in it unvarnished.

And, finally, maybe I should quit being the bohemian gypsy/jester/aspiring fool and just start taking the fucking pills again.

	so true... (5.00 / 1) (#1)
	by Frithiof on Fri Oct 12th, 2001 at 09:41:59 PM PST

	my only flaw is that I keep trying to be social and I expect people to like me for who I am. haha...can you see the problem already? -Frith

	Keep looking for your allies. (5.00 / 1) (#8)
	by chloedancer on Sat Oct 13th, 2001 at 10:47:37 AM PST

	They'll be few and far between, but there are people you can connect with who will appreciate you as you are. One good ally is worth any number of missed connections -- just keep at it.

	First off (5.00 / 1) (#2)
	by osm on Sat Oct 13th, 2001 at 12:20:55 AM PST

	I hope you didn't take my vitriolic response to your previous diary entry seriously. I just figure people will see how ridiculous my comments are and realize I'm full of shit. To leave someone as a greasy spot on the highway over 20 dollars is, of course, absurd. In all actuality, I believe in an ultimate balance in the universe. It's sort of a trickle-down effect of the way physics work. So, you definitely have some good coming to you. Second. In all reality, don't you suppose everyone believes they are so unique? Of course, everyone is correct. The dangerous thing is to start believing you are the only one who is different. Then you start getting weird complexes and are in danger of becoming an evil dictator. Third, and this is coming from someone who is doped up for anxiety and depression issues, life wasn't meant to be easy. Imagine a perfect world (at least your definition of perfect); call it heaven if you want. What fun would that be? Would you grow as a person in such an environment? The current terrorist issues are a good example of how adversity can make people find their best qualities. And their worst... but maybe they just aren't as far along in their personal development but there's nothing wrong with that - it's just the way Nature works. All of this being serious is making me tired.

	Relax, osm. (none / 0) (#4)
	by Anonymous Reader on Sat Oct 13th, 2001 at 10:05:33 AM PST

	I didn't take offense to your earlier posting in my diary; I found it amusing and a very human reaction, truth be known. I'll admit to having been tempted to post that I have bigger stones than most men I know, but tkatchev did it for me so I didn't see the point ;) There's "different" and there's different. I've been asked "Why can't you be more like everybody else?", "Why are you so sensitive?" or "Why can't you be what I want you to be?" more times than I can recall in the past 30 years or so. And there is a whole host of other names/labels that have also been applied, but they all really come down to those three questions at heart damn near every time someone else feels the need to define me. You say the danger is getting weird complexes and power trips; I have no desire for power and try to live under the radar as much as possible. I say the danger lies in the fact that people are afraid of what is not like them and that conformity kills inspiration and creativity. I don't want to live in a perfect world. But I do have the right to ask people to check themselves when I see the need for it, and I believe that if they feel they have the right to judge, I have a responsibility to make them think twice about it. It's as simple as that. What you call "seriousness" I call "passion." While the words I chose in yesterday's entry could be interpreted as an attempt to inpsire "guilt," I would rather instead inspire people to think about accepting the people around them because doing otherwise limits their own possibilities for growth. As my grandma says, "Don't mind her -- she was just born that way." We all are whatever we are; you don't have to like someone, but you also don't have to seek out reasons to label and write others off in place of forming your own opinion based upon what you personally observe or are aware of. My point was that people should think for themselves or else they're at risk of becoming homogenized in the name of the status quo; therein lies the greatest danger of all.

	I haven't finished my coffee yet this AM (none / 0) (#6)
	by chloedancer on Sat Oct 13th, 2001 at 10:19:32 AM PST

	and it shows... Those are my words, but maybe there's a poetic irony in the idea that Anonymous Reader is credited, after all.

	Can you explain something to me, osm? (none / 0) (#10)
	by CorporateRepublic on Sat Oct 13th, 2001 at 08:38:36 PM PST

	The dangerous thing is to start believing you are the only one who is different. Then you start getting weird complexes and are in danger of becoming an evil dictator. Can you explain to me how this works? I have heard other people say this, but to me this makes so sense. Enlighten me, please.

	sometimes you just have to let the truth flow over (none / 0) (#13)
	by osm on Mon Oct 15th, 2001 at 03:28:28 AM PST

	you.

	Ahem (none / 0) (#3)
	by Peter Johnson on Sat Oct 13th, 2001 at 09:37:37 AM PST

	Cuban food appears to make me ill. --Peter Are you adequate?

	Then you got your wish, didn't you? (none / 0) (#5)
	by Anonymous Reader on Sat Oct 13th, 2001 at 10:12:59 AM PST

	I seem to remember you mentioning that you were thinking about ordering the "salmonella and E. coli special" elsewhere recently? My genuine apologies, however, for any causal cupability I might have introduced in the current circumstance, Shoeboy -- I'll keep it in mind in the future.

	Ibid. (none / 0) (#7)
	by chloedancer on Sat Oct 13th, 2001 at 10:21:06 AM PST

	I'll claim this one if only because it doesn't make sense otherwise ;)

	I am not "related to" Jin Wicked. (none / 0) (#11)
	by chloedancer on Sun Oct 14th, 2001 at 05:59:08 PM PST

	I offer the following for consideration: I, in fact, knew Andrew Wood and my 'nym is to honor his exceptional spirit. I estimate that I have about 15 years more mileage than she would claim, give or take. My goal is to give people reasons to think instead of creating feminine chaos. If you can't see the difference, however, then it's your loss, not mine.

	Just wondering (none / 0) (#9)
	by Anonymous Reader on Sat Oct 13th, 2001 at 07:53:16 PM PST

	Are you related to Jin Wicked, or are you just biting her style?