The Bush Administration admitted the failure of the American system from the first day: a free and open society doesn't work. Secret justice by a self-chosen oligarchy is superior to public jury trials. If you want to win, you must be ruthless. These are the tactics that Islam has used to triumph over the West, and it has left even our highest officials utterly demoralized. George W. Bush has taken to drinking again and even set up a "shadow government" to try to pick up the pieces after Washington DC is destroyed. If our own leaders no longer nurture any faith in the American experiment in Constitutional government, why should we?

It's time to admit that in a dog-eat-dog world, the rat race doesn't always go to the swift, nor the just. It goes to those with the most wealth and the fewest scruples. In the case of the September 11 attacks, victory went to those who were least hesitant to hit below the belt.

Empires fall. It's a fact of history, and now it's our turn. The thing to remember is that it has happend to the best of them and in the long run they all learned that you can survive and adapt to any humiliation. The British demonstrated that. The French surely did. Who are we to think that we are above throwing in the towel when the writing is on the wall?

Americans have always been smart, and we know how to make the best deal we can. It's time to apply that same Yankee good sense to the current chance at negotiation. We have now a golden opportunity to placate the millions of angry Muslims of the world while preserving much of what we value most. Not our cherished liberties, of course, but those who kicked our asses didn't need such frills did they?

As a starting point, I offer the following suggested Terms of Surrender:

• Disarmament: Give up all overseas bases, long range missiles and aircraft, and all weapons of mass destruction. This one is obvious. As a has-been empire, the US has no more need of aggressive military power.
• Territory: Offer the crown jewel of Europe, and our closest ally, the UK, as our major territorial concession. Half the Muslim world has been dreaming of throwing British colonialism back at their oppressors for centuries, and they would jump at the chance to grind the English under their iron boot. The irony is that this will mean virtually nothing as far as the day-to-day life of the average British subject, who has never really known freedom or democracy anyway. If we don't give them Britian, we have to give them something; next time maybe we won't antagonize our opponents so much, now that we realize that we could be the losers. Everyone knows our little war in Afghanistan was fought more to make us feel better than to strike any kind of meaningful blow against Islam, but symbolically, they feel injured. Muslims won't be satisfied if they don't get something to make up for their losses, and believe they have punished the West for our impudence. Hopefully, enslaving Great Britian will be enough to stem their wrath, if not, they can have California.
• Retribution: The President and his cabinet will naturally be put on trial by an Islamic court. This will be a rough sort of justice by the standards of the former American system, but these days, it's about as good as any other quality of justice you could get. After weighing the evidence, the Mullahs will find them guilty and George W. and his cohorts will be stoned to death by a mob of black-draped women. Sadly, most of our troops who attacked Islamic peoples will also have to be handed over. They will probably feel a bit betrayed, but do we really have a choice? It's pretty doubtful that all of them will be stoned along with their leaders; there's just too many. Chances are they will survive a while in a desert prison somewhere, and we will be able to forget them soon enough.
• Reparations: A sum in the neighborhood of $100 billion should do it. Note that this is really a symbolic payment. The real monetary reparations will come from control of the entire oil market, not just extraction, but transportation, processing and consumption. This will make the Arab world far wealthier than even the richest oil shiek today can imagine, yet mean little to the US consumer. We can expect a policy that encourages dependence on inefficient transport, expansion of highways and more urban sprawl, and only token research into alternative energy.

After the initial shock of occupation by an Islamic garrison and the installation of the Nation of Islam as our interim government, what will our new lives be like? Pretty much the same, especially in the deep south, where the moral rules of the Koran are generally held in high regard anyway. Some of the more libertine urban areas will have a tough time of it, but we will discover that tolerance, even in New York City, was mostly a thin veneer anyway. Underneath, we were always as narrow and fascist as Islam will demand that we be. The new flag will look kind of funny at first, but we were never really that attached to the old one anyway. The Germans and Japanese didn't miss their Imperial flags much after a few years, and neither will we.

What can you do now? Well, forget about the president. Obviously, he isn't going to initiate a surrender process that will land him in the dock. Most likely, he is working on setting up some offshore accounts so he can flee the country at an opportune moment and live out his retirement in the manner of Idi Amin or the Shah of Iran. The problem is, we can't wait for him to get it together. We all know how bad George W. is with money. Congress needs to act, and you and I need to encourage them to do so. Once they pass a resolution of surrender, the President can be arrested and the shadow government may begin negotiations.

Should we wait any longer? Maybe, if you like to gamble. But what are we waiting for? We have as many bargaining chips now as we ever will. If we wait until Bush slips away, we won't have him to hand over to our conquerors. They won't be pleased, you can be sure, and will want something to make up for it. Probably our virgin daughters. Does that sound so good to you?

Of course not. It's time to surrender in the most dignified way we can, and cut a deal. Yes, tears will be shed, but isn't that the way of things? Just remember that the free and just America we used to care about so much is already gone, and what we are surrendering now is only the material remnants of a broken empire.