Undaunted by the delivery snafu those other companies seemed to suffer, I began my tests.

The first mint I tried was packaged rather unattractively and difficult to open. After some 45 minutes with a razor blade and a pair of surgical forceps, I finally was able to gain access to the mints. The fight with the wrapping had taken its toll though, and I had inadvertently crushed most of the product. I popped some of the crumbs in my mouth only to have them dissolve almost instantaneously in their minuscule state. I assumed this would mean a rapid onset of caffeinated bliss, but after 2 hours I felt nothing. Clearly these mints were crap.

The second brand wasn't hard to open, but I was completely unprepared for the stench unleashed when doing so. They smelled downright vile. I thought of cheese (the worse the smell the better the taste), popped one in my mouth, and was astonished to discover that the cheese analogy wasn't far off. The mint tasted like a rancid sock. Gagging and retching, I quickly spat it out. Another failure.

Mint #3 didn't taste as bad as the second one had, but it was very chalky and dry. It left a bitter taste on my tongue that several hours and several glasses of water failed to remove. It was oddly reminiscent of sucking on an aspirin. I thought I felt a bit of a buzz from it at first, but I later concluded this was only a placebo effect. I was 1/2 way through my study and I still wasn't properly caffeinated!

Well, the fourth brand took care of that! There's good caffeine buzzes and there's bad, and #4 was all bad. I couldn't stop shaking, I was drenched in sweat, and my stomach felt like people were walking on it with golf cleats. And it wasn't like drinking too much coffee, either. This incredibly unpleasant, frazzled feeling stayed with me for most of the night. I was on the verge of going down to the clinic to get a nice charcoal cocktail force-fed to me when it finally began to subside. I was so shaken I had to wait until the next day before resuming my study.

After my experience with the first mint product I tried, I was very careful with subsequent handling of the remaining contestants less I crush them. Yet the fifth one up for review was already pre-crushed prior to delivery! I can only imagine what sort of manufacturing/shipping incompetence went on prior to my receipt of the product, as there was nothing but powder inside the wrapper. In my firm resolved not to be dissuaded from a complete market survey, I emptied a bit of the powder on a small mirror I just happen to keep lying around. Using the razor blade from Mint #1 I formed the powder into a small "bump", then manipulated a thin glass tube I also just happen to have handy in order to snort some of the powder up my nose.

The burn from Mint #5 was unbearable! I would like to say that I had never before experienced such sinus pain before, but I had. Usually the dealers cut with something harmless, but sometimes an unscrupulous middleman will step on the product with whatever they have under the kitchen sink. Yeah, I knew this burn, and there was no way I was going to blow another line of this poison. The Mint #5 dealers were pushing bogus dust, and not only I had been ripped off, I had damn near been killed.

At this point I was feeling very skeptical. I was 0 for 5, and I despaired of ever finding a decent caffeinated mint. I hopefully eyed the HyperMints, fondly remembering the superb competence I had experienced with their delivery. The packaging was so compelling, too. Still believing my dreams could be answered, I opened a roll (no troubles, I might add), and slid one of the many perfectly formed, pale turquoise beauties into my mouth...

Bliss! Never in all my years had I experienced such a refreshing blast of mint flavor! Like an Alaskan river, flush with the crystaline-pure spring glacial melt from the Arctic! Wave upon wave of invigorating delight cascading over my tongue like the rapids of the mighty Yukon river! The Gods on Olympus never dreamt this level of palate-stimulating perfection! HyperMints are the apotheosis of mint flavor!

Suddenly I felt the caffeine kick in. Sure, these tasted better than manna from the heavens, but it was the buzz that really counted. The tingle began all the way down in my toes, as though every pleasurable nerve ending was awakening for the first time in years. It spread all the way up my body like the caress of a beautiful maiden, until finally even my scalp felt alive. I believe I could even feel the dead follicles of my bald spots being reanimated, thanks to HyperMints!

And then the full force came on, not in a rush, nor in a trickle, but an undeniable presence, a fullness of being that I had never before felt. It was like all of my faculties were running at 150%. I was solving advanced differential calculus equations in my head. Complex mechanical assemblies were being revealed to me in the utmost simplicity. The entire universe was mine to comprehend, all because of HyperMints!

I accomplished more that day than I had in the previous 4 months, all by 7:00 PM. And I was not in the least tired! In fact, I was so full of energy that I went out to a few clubs, and I say with no exaggeration that women were flocking to me in droves, each one of them unable to help but notice the pure radiance that emanated from my very soul, courtesy of HyperMints!

As the evening wore to an end I chose two of the finer ladies present and retired to my home with them. I was a bit hesitant at how I would perform after such an exhausting day, but to be honest, I was a sexual Titan that night. Both women were exhausted afterwards, yet I was only beginning to feel pleasantly tired. There was no crash, only the sweet desire for sleep after a good day's work. I slept soundly for 7 hours and awoke feeling more refreshed than I ever had before.

HyperMints are truly the world's greatest caffeinated mint product. Nothing else on God's Earth can supply what they do. I now keep an entire closet stocked to the ceiling with HyperMints, and if you want to function at the highest of your abilities, I urge you to do the same.