Ozzy Osbourne is not a Satanist, he's a Baptist.

Ozzy4Ever

Dear Mr. Ever,

Satanist, Baptist, in the long run, what's the difference, they're both Hellbound.

Dear Adam,

We're expecting a blessed event soon, and if it's a boy we don't know if we should get him circumcized or not. We've looked on the internet, but the information is contradictory, and some of the webpages are very obscene (we miss the days when we thought uncut Twinks referred to Hostess snack food). What do you suggest?

Anteater or turtleneck

Dear Ant,

Do be careful of what you find on the internet. Some of my devoted readers sent me links and pictures about other meanings of bukkake than a Japanese Noodle dish which I found very disturbing (it seems to be some of whorish Onanistic perversion). Instead, let me give you four reasons for circumcision:

1) Jesus was. For many Christians (particulary of the heretical revival-tent snake handling sort) this is sufficient.

2) Aesthetically a circumsized penis looks better. Mrs. Rightmann herself has said so.

3) Greater sexual satisfaction will result.

By exposing the glans to constant friction and stimulation, the penis is slightly desensitized, leading to greater control in ejaculation. Thus you will be able to give your wife greater sexual satisfaction, and even a vaginal orgasm (which really helps in conception). Trust me, it's a lot easier to convince the missus to do her wifely duty when she knows she's going to get a bang-up orgasm at the end.

4) By removing this source of intense pleasure with a short burst of pain, willpower is developed in the male.

By and by, life is about pain and suffering, and how well one copes with this pain and suffering is often a good indicator on how well one does in life. There is one well known ethnic group that circumsizes males, this ethnic group is invariably near the top of any charts measuring wealth, happiness, satisfaction and achievement. This group is the Jews.

An even more interesting measurement is England's economic growth compared with the rate of circumcision. In the late 19th century, the British Empire reached it's peak as Englishman were willing to live lifes of great sacrifice for England and the Queen. This was also the peak time for English circumcision. Nowadays, few English men are circumcized, and their economy is barely growing; it's even being outpaced by the Irish.

I'm not saying that if your child is uncircumcized he will grow up to be a lazy, drug addicted malcontent, but do you want to take that risk?

Dear Adam,

My husband asked if I would like to try swapping. Should I?

Unsure wife

Dear Unsure,

I think swapping is a marvelous idea. American's are too materialistic, only wanting what's new and shiny. It's far better for your pocketbook and the environment to enquire with your neighbors about excess items. You may not want that Weber charchoal grill, your neighbor may not want his snowthrower. You both swap, and you are happier for it.