You see, I couldn't shake the feeling the entire time that there was something they simply weren't revealing. For example, the pipes they pointed to as we made our rounds were quite impressive, and indeed certain segments were transparent so as to allow observation of the various liquids flowing through -- undoubtedly, for the benefit of the engineers charged with maintaining the facility, though it did allow us laymen to get a better look as well. And yet, when it came to seeing where these pipes originated and where they led, the facility was decidedly less transparent. Sure, the fellow leading the tour would tell us the large unlabeled grey cylinder played such-and-such role in the processing of waste, but how could I know for sure it was all and only what they said it was? My suspicions only grew as our tour passed door after door marked "Authorized Personnel Only" in sharp red lettering, doors whose rooms lying beyond our guide would not venture to describe or explain.

When I returned home from the tour, I fired up my AOL to try to do a little research about facilities like these, but I was able to find surprisingly little -- the AOL keywords "waste processing plant" and "sewage" simply didn't exist. Strange, I thought, since the same organization that would go out of its way to appeal to neighborhood citizens like me through (what must be for them) inconvenient tours would surely also realize the potential of AOL to reach both local citizens who could not attend a tour and citizens in other locations not directly impacted by any noxious side effects but still benefiting directly from either this plant or plants like it. I tried calling AOL phone support to ask them about it, but after being put on hold for an inordinate amount of time, the person I did eventually reach was surprisingly (and therefore suspiciously) unhelpful.

And so I delved deeper. It wasn't long before I had an epiphany.

The human soul is itself a monolithic entity at once separate and independent from its host organism and inextricably bound to that organism for the length of its lifetime. Though theological science has variously attempted to locate the soul in a specific region of human anatomy such as in the heart or brain, it is generally accepted as modern empirical fact that the soul is not the province of any particular single organ but is tethered to the body as a whole, being uniformly distributed throughout.

The intestines are, by some measurements, the largest human organ. Though the skin rivals the intestines in volume, and though the liver rivals them in mass, no other human organ measures up when it comes to surface area -- the average human contains 200 square meters of intestines, providing an enormous site for digestive absorption. Though the musculature underlying the intestinal wall is relatively thick, the surface is comprised of a thin layer of capillary-bound enterocytic cells providing digested food particles with access to the blood stream that will carry them throughout the rest of the body. Though these cells have a certain lifespan, like most cells, these do eventually die as well, flaking off and being either digested and reabsorbed or exiting the body with other unprocessed waste.

Without going into the specifics of the calculations, it is my estimate that the average person sheds five kilograms of intestinal cells annually, of which 70% (three and a half kilograms) is excreted by the body. In the average western democracy of which America is but one example, where more than 185 million of 265 million citizens live in a community equipped with a waste processing plant like my community's, nearly six hundred fifty million kilograms of these intestinal cells are processed by such plants annually.

Nobel-prize-winning physicist Deepak Chopra has estimated that the body of an average human living today contains a hundred atoms from the body of any given historical figure you wish to imagine (be it Genghis Khan or Julius Caesar), whose corpses have long since disintegrated and whose atomic building blocks have been dispersed back into our environment on the surface of the earth. Such processes of atomic propagation are natural and rather unsurprising, given the enormous numbers of atoms that come together to constitute a single person, and given the closed nature of our terrestrial environment. But at the same time, the process is susceptible to artificial acceleration and amplification by simple and obvious means -- the cow who contributed the steak I ate last night also contributed well more than statistical baseline amount of 100 atoms to my somatic structure.

The conclusion is both inescapably obvious and unsettling: my community's waste-processing plant is systematically gathering and concentrating the same intestinal cells we unwittingly shed into the very waste the plant is charged with processing, united with every other waste-processing plant in the world in a global conspiracy whose scope is unfathomable but whose intention is as plain as day: they seek to reassemble and thereby steal our very souls, but for what nefarious purpose we cannot know.

The world has faced and still faces other global conspiracies, all perpetrated by the communist legions of Satan. And yet, this is no ordinary communist plot; for the communists, though allied with the Prince of Darkness, themselves renounce religion and would therefore find human souls of little utility if they even acknowledge their existence. Perhaps they couch their theories in the hypocrisy of science: since individualism is the antithesis of communism, they seek to steal and commoditize the one thing that makes us unique: our cells, our so-called "genetic code" (that inadequate and laughable secular substitute for souls).

Either the communists' professed anti-religious precepts are yet another of Satan's lies, or the communists are too far under the Evil One's spell to avoid doing his bidding. Either way, the very survival of our way of life shall turn on whether we can demolish the dominant communist Satanist environmentalist hegemony that holds our waste and our souls in thrall.

Raise a hue and cry. Raise a pitchfork. Together, we will uproot this cancer on humanity and reclaim what is rightfully ours and the Lord's alone. Satan shroud of darkness hanging over our waste shall be lifted and the angels shall sing praises of its virtue.

The fight against Satan permits of no neutral parties. Join me against evil or find yourself vanquished on the Day of Reckoning. That is all.