Like those children in ancient Sparta, you must steal from your parents. This is what they secretly want you to do -- it will finally make them proud. Sneak into their bedroom late at night, at least three hours after they have gone to sleep. You'll have to try very hard to stay up that late, but if you're strong and true you can do it.

Walk on your toes and open their bedroom door as quietly as you can. Turn the doorknob slowly, and don't push the door open until it's fully turned. After it's open, turn it back slowly to avoid the sound of the knob snapping back. Breathe in and out very quietly and slowly -- your nostrils will be like a gentle breeze to your parents' innocent ears. Each step you take should be very slow and steady, like a dancer or ninja.

Once your eyes have adjusted, look for your father's wallet or mother's allowance. Pull a few of the bills out, but not all! Again, this movement should be slow and steady.

As you leave, make sure you leave everything exactly as it was left. And if your parents seem to wake up, FREEZE! Hold your breath, but don't inhale sharply. Whatever you do, don't say anything or run out of the room. Like Batman, you'll be invisible if you stand still in the darkness.

STEP TWO: BE LIKE JAMES BOND
Now you'll need to buy cigarettes. This will be much easier than you think.

You'll need two things: one black marker, and an army jacket. The marker should be easy to get, and the army jacket you can steal while playing dress-up.

Take the black magic marker and draw a moustache on your face. Girls should do this as well. Put on the army jacket, push up the sleeves, and walk or hitchhike to the nearest gas station.

Walk boldly up to the counter and recite the following words. (Recite these words exactly as they are written here, rapidly, and with a redneck's air of authority. Trust me, it will work -- even if you don't understand all the words. Be strong!)

Haye! Yew! Lissen uhp in dew whut aa say! Yew sunzbijiziv bin nowhn what tew discriminit iginst us little pippel what er cauwld mijids! Doan Jew trahat whit maye, Ah fawt en thuh Veeyetnawms, muthirfugger! Gimme them Caymuls Ried, yih sunuhvabetch, afore Ah guht yew lahk uh slant!

If the attendant seems reluctant to give you the cigarettes, spit on the floor and hold up your fist while menacingly staring him down.

STEP THREE: BE LIKE A COWBOY
Now that you have your cigarettes, be determined to learn proper smoking. It will take time. You must smoke at least one every two hours to build up your tolerance.

When smoking, fill your mouth up with smoke. Then inhale sharply to bring the smoke into your lungs. Hold it there as long as you can, then exhale. If you start to feel nausteated, slow down, but keep smoking. You must build up a tolerance if you ever to be a grown-up.

Your friends will be so impressed by your new skills! You've taken a step they will all take in time, but are now too immature for. Enjoy your new popularity and respect -- you've earned it!