First up is our protagonist, the eponymous Shrek, a dour lumbering ogre. While we may safely ignore the mannerisms he displays at the beginning as sheer comedic effect, there is one matter we cannot forgive: to play the role of Shrek, the director has cast a misanthropic green Irishman. Worse yet, his is a rather poor imitation of an Irish brogue, spoken by none other than Fat Bastard himself, Mike Myers (and a Canadian to boot!). I suppose it was too much to expect Hollywood to remember the difference between Irish and Scottish accents -- as bad as Mike Myer's Scottish accent as Fat Bastard in those wretched Austin Powers movies, his butchering of the mellifluous timbres of Gaelic is worse. No, it is indeed expecting too much to hope that Hollywood could understand, much less convey, the intricate and important differences between Scotland and Eyre, separated by geography, language, and religion. While we're at it, let's lump all those brown people in central Asia together with the ones in Africa -- there's hardly a difference.

Accompanying Shrek on his quest is his loveable smart-aleck sidekick. After all, what movie would be without one? And Shrek, like most movies, has gone for the tried and true: make the sidekick a token African American. Sure, he looks like a simple grey donkey, but beneath that exterior beats the Uncle Tomming heart of Eddie Murphy. Humbled by his slavemaster and shunned by society for his inability to fit in, the donkey resorts to the final refuge of the weak and powerless: flattery. It's all he has; he doesn't even merit a name -- just Donkey, an ass, the butt of countless jokes. And as much as he is kicked around, he still crawls back for more, servile and obsequious as ever.

It almost goes without saying that they're on a mission to rescue the princess from her imprisonment in a distant castle. Every fairy tale since time immemorial has used this plot, and the writers, by missing their opportunity to tell a modern narrative, demonstrated their full complicity in the underlying messages of conservative patriarchal oppression. Yet again, the woman is helpless and the man is omnipotent: it is by his kiss and not her hard work that the precious princess may be lifted from her downtrodden posture and placed on her crystal pedestal. Our daughters are told: marry or rot -- there is no room on this green earth for single women.

There is a dragon, female of course. The epitome of the Dragon Lady, an Asian character type with a long but ignoble history. For its entire history, Hollywood has never shrunk from the chance to cast yet another Asian actress as yet another evil seductress -- a veritable man-eater. Though she is powerful beyond compare, don't think for a moment that she is content with her station in life. No, she too seeks a man to flatter her feminine graces and her beauty as she demurely bats her eyelashes. It's little wonder so few seats in Congress are filled by women: they're all at home where they belong literally wed to a jackass. Don't forget to catch that bridal bouquet, Mrs Dragon! Marriage for you as well!

And don't believe for a second that Shrek only played on racial stereotypes. Persons with disabilities received no better treatment. Lord Farquaad (hah hah, please) is somehow less a man because of his diminished height. And not just his height, mind you. His adapted conveyance, a horse with a booster seat, is somehow supposed to embellish his absurdity. Let me tell you: wheelchairs are nothing to laugh at. Handicapped parking plates are nothing to laugh at. Is it any surprise many persons with disabilities are reluctant even to show themselves in public for fear of such ridicule? And lest you think I'm imagining these things, I need only point you to those rascally visually-impaired mice who can do nothing but trip over themselves and each other, as though blind people are incapable of anything but an eternity of Gerald Ford impersonations.

I'm told the DVD edition has special footage and features not available in the theater or vhs versions: filmmakers' commentary, behind-the-scenes glimpses, and more. I'll have to take others' word for it, because there is no way in heaven or Texas I'm going to sit through any more of that bigotry; I'd return my DVD to the merchant who sold it to me if I could only be assured that it wouldn't be re-sold to someone less educated and more impressionable. If these extra bits are anything like the rest of the film, I wouldn't be surprised if they're nothing but ribald epithets and the sort of filth that makes even jaded Hollywood censors blush.

Shrek: the greatest fairy tale never told ought have stayed that way. Buy it only if you seek a first-rate lesson in moral bankruptcy.