When the Toronto North Star -- Toronto's only newspaper -- adamantly refused to provide me with the coordinates of the hooligan who penned the offensive letter, I quickly realized that the only way to satisfy my curiosity involved infiltrating the Torontonian population. Donning a parka and mocassins, I quickly blended in with the local colour.

I received little assistance in the Toronto Harbour, which opens on a majestic view of the Atlantic ocean. Most of the residents were busy ice fishing with sharp harpoons or clubbing seals to sustain Toronto's struggling seafood industry. Venturing into the "downtown" area instead, I located a group of seemingly innocuous youngsters loitering about on the street. Casually approaching them, I asked for directions to Monday's Papal Mass in my best version of the Canadian dialect (something of a cross between Scottish and Ebonics, but one has to add "eh" to the end of every sentence).

Very soon, I understood the earlier reluctance on behalf of the local media to provide information. The youths I spoke to had not made any plans to attend the Mass! Trying to conceal my shock beneath my large snow goggles, I managed but a few more questions before the awful truth became apparent. These youths were not Catholic at all. One claimed to be a member of a cult called "Judaism," long thought extinct; two more professed to be "Hindu" -- followers of a pagan religion already on its way to being outlawed in the more progressive states. It was then that I began to fear for my own safety, and retreated after making quick excuses.

With these renegades loose on the streets amid the jubilant World Youth Day proceedings, I did not know what to think. Were they terrorists, sent here from the Afghan caves by treacherous Al Quaeda to undermine our free Christian society? Were they madmen escaped from the local mental institution? Or was this all a sick, grotesque and tasteless practical joke? Alas, for as I soon discovered, the answer was infinitely more terrifying.

There, in full public view, stood a building adorned by a sign. It read "Toronto's 12th Buddhist Temple." Yet the passers-by showed no reaction at all to this abomination. No faithful Catholics shied away in disgust, no righteous souls ran forth to tear apart this altar of evil (judging from the number, not the only one here)! And down the street, likewise unmolested, I could faintly make out a building labeled "Synagogue." I soon found out that this entire charade was permitted and sometimes even encouraged by the Canadian state!

Back in the safety of my hotel room, I struggled to control myself. I assured myself that the atrocities were limited to a corrupt and backwards Canada, perhaps only to the shameful city of Toronto. As soon as possible, I made a secure call to a friend in Austin, Texas to report my incredible findings, to warn him of the danger, and to arrange a Navy rescue operation for myself and the thousands of Catholic youth unwittingly marching into Satan's belly. But imagine my surprise and disbelief when, after a brief reconaissance, he reported at least three heretical sites of worship in my own hometown!

My worst fears had been confirmed -- America too had fallen to a widespread conspiracy to poison the minds of our youth. I could not help but contemplate the massive failure of domestic intelligence that allowed the perpetrators to escape the attention of the federal government. Have we learned nothing from September 11th? What's worse, there seem to be absolutely no plans or funding for resistance, de-brainwashing, and counter-conversion efforts to put our society back on track.

Since many major newspapers and network channels continue to refuse to bring my story to the general public, either disbelieving, delusional, or no longer under Christian control, I am forced to act through alternative channels. I implore you to write to your Republican Congressman (unfortunately, we have no way of ensuring the Christian integrity of Democratic candidates and therefore cannot trust them), contact other government officials deemed reliable, or even begin your own counter-conversion initiative within your community.