Earlier this year, many of us were shocked to learn that George Lucas had announced that the new subtitle title of Star Wars, Episode II would be Attack of the Clones. Most of us, however, didn't give a rat's left arse: who cares about the title of the latest wankfest for drooling Sci-Fi geeks? While there may be certain reasons to take interest in the Star Wars prequels, quality cinema it ain't.

I took personal interest when I heard the announcement, because the name Attack of the Clones was disturbingly similar to the title of a story I'd written years before. Back in 1998, I wrote a fan-fiction story for a now-defunct Lacey Chabert fansite entitled "Attack of the Lacey Clones", the title of which bears a striking resemblance to Mr. Lucas's recently-announced film title.

Did George Lucas steal my title? Probably. Am I going to sue him? No. Based on the quality of The Phantom Menace, Episode II will likely bankrupt Mr. Lucas, so a lawsuit would probably be unprofitable. However, I am going to post my three-year-old story here, just to prove that I came up with the name first.

Author's note: I wrote this as a hypothetical excerpt from a fictional screenplay rather than as a full story. Yes, I know it's in narrative rather than screenplay format -- but bite my ear if you have a problem with it.

ATTACK OF THE LACEY CLONES

A PARTIAL SCREENPLAY (ROUGH DRAFT)

CRAIG MCPHERSON, 1998

Lacey carefully creeps down the dark hallway, armed with a rapid-action fully-automatic petrification rifle. She looks around carefully as she enters the dimly-lit room at the end of the corridor, sensing danger. She hears breathing from somewhere in the room! She looks all around again, but sees nothing. Her Clone-O-Meter beeps silently, indicating that her prey is near, but if she's not careful, she may well become the hunted.

Lacey hears an evil scream from above as a naked clone of herself quickly drops down from the rafters, onto her back, attempting to strangle her. Another unclad Lacey clone lunges at her from the shadows. Lacey attemps to break free from the grip of the first clone, but her hands fumble and she drops her petrification rifle to the floor! It lands with a dull thud, and all three Laceys instantly snap their attention towards the fallen weapon. The second clone dives, lunging for the gun, and snatches it from the ground at Lacey's feet. Both clones smile gleefully, the first clone releasing her grip on Lacey and backing away slowly, the second clone pointing the barrel of the petrification rifle at Lacey's heaving chest.

Lacey is paralyzed with fear. Her mission has nearly only begun, and there are still hundreds of her clones on the loose. But now it looks like she herself might befall the same fate she intended for the clones! Oh, bitter irony! The armed clone places her finger on the trigger and begins to squeeze it...

THWAM! With almost inhuman reflexes, Lacey delivers a roundhouse kick to the clone's arm, knocking the gun away to the far side of the room before the clones even have a chance to react. Lacey mutters a quick prayer, surprised that the clones hadn't anticipated her attack -- but there was no time to think of that. The disarmed clone lets out a yelp of pain as the first begins to run towards the gun, nude buttocks bobbing up and down happily. Lacey knows time is short; she quickly dives, grabbing the ankles of the running clone, causing the Lacey-clone's nude form to fall hard onto the floor with a shout of pain. Lacey turns her head and sees the second clone approaching mennacingly, with a look of bloodlust in the naked clone's eyes. Without a second thought, Lacey nimbly leaps backwards, over the stunned first clone, scoops up the gun, and dives back against the far wall of the room, putting herself as far from the clones as possible. The nubile young teenage clones freeze nervously when they see her armed with the gun again. She whips the guns into firing position and levels it at the first of the clones, who is trying to rise from the ground and is looking very shaken.

The real Lacey's intentions are quite clear. The clones look at each other fearfully, too afraid to make another move. They are, after all, still 16-year-old girls in a situation they never wanted to be in. But it seems that the situation for them will be over very, very soon.

Lacey, gun in hand and ready to fire, flashes her duplicates a look of sympathy, imagining how she would be feeling if she were in the same situation (which she is, twice, in a metaphysical sense) She reminds herself that she is doing what must be done, as she aims the crosshairs of the petrification rifle directly at the center of the first clone's ample bosom.

The clones do not say a word... there is nothing to say. They know that attempting to reason with themselves would be futile. The first clone, who has risen to her knees since her fall, looks at Lacey with a sad, innocent expression, as Lacey reluctantly pulls the trigger, sealing the fate of another of her doubles.

There is no further time for the poor clone-girl to react; the energy blast that emenates from the gun strikes her squarely, as her entire body begins to glow with a white light. She is frozen, unable to move or react as she feels her entire body becoming marble. The color of her hair, skin, and eyes fade, becoming a pure, shiny white. Her legs, arms, breasts, her entire nude body hardens into white marble, as the glow surrounding her fades away. It's over in several seconds; she now sits there a nude statue of Lacey, her sad eyes forever imploring fruitlessly, "please don't turn me to stone." She didn't get her wish.

"Darn it!" the now-petrified clone thinks from inside her stony prison.

Lacey watches the transformation, still enraptured by the sight of herself becoming a statue. She pays no attention to the second clone, who ignores the fate of her unfortunate companion, and slowly turns to make a dash for the exit. Not wasting a moment, she barrels for the side of the room, and Lacey's eyes quickly dart away from the petrified clone as she sees the second clone trying to escape. She brings the gun to bear again, as the clone enters the dark hallway, running fantically. Lacey takes careful aim and fires a single, well-placed shot at the back of the fleeing nude girl.

The clone continues to run, not looking back, praying that she can make it to the exit and find somewhere to hide, even if just for one more day. Hearing no sounds of pursuit behind her, she smiles a determined smile as she runs -- and then she stops. She is frozen in mid-stride as the precicion blast from the petrification rifle strikes her left buttock. It's too late for her to even wipe the smile off of her face; her muscles are already frozen as her entire substance starts to harden. She too begins to glow with a white light as her nude body begins the transformation into marble.

Lacey admires her work, watching the girl's buttocks harden into stone, and then the rest of the body as it follows suit. It is over for the second clone as well... they are both frozen eternally as glorious statues of Lacey, not all together happy at the moment, but they'll learn to deal with it eventually.

Lacey circles the first of the girls, admiring every inch of shiny, petrified flesh and ever taught, marbelized muscle. She smiles, and nods. "Damn," she thinks. "I really look good!"

But Lacey's job is not done yet... she turns and walks back down the dark hallway. Two more down, hundreds to go. As she passes the lovely nude statue in the hallway, she playfully gives it a goodbye kiss on its marble cheek, giggles, and walks off into the darkness...

TO BE CONTINUED

I never actually continued the story (except in my dreams), but I think this serves as ample proof that George Lucas is a pathetic thief. We know that he stole my title, but we'll have to wait until the movie is released to find out how much of my plot he stole, if any. If his movie features naked teenage girls being magically transformed into marble statues, I swear I'm going to rip out his -- well, actually, that would be pretty darn cool. They'd better be cute, though.

Carry on, citizens.