Today's large Universities have access to high speed Internet. Their high speed modem T3's, T6's, and T12's offer our young instant access to some of the great cultural works of mankind. They include priceless works of art by Michelangelo to the great philosophic scripts of Socrates. The opportunity of such enlightened thought exposed to our great works offers us only further achievements of mankind. However, the soft underbelly of The Internet also exposes our best and brightest youth to vast amounts of mind rotting Pornography. As one could imagine, chronic Masturbation to everything from Britney Spears to Japanese Pornography (See Bukkake) has since sent him on a spiral of mental deterioration.

Warning: This story contains actual excerpts from a corrupted college student's writings

To protect the individual's son, I will refer to him as "Lasko" from this point forth. Lasko was an extremely bright young boy who played with my son (who we will refer to as "Schlomo") quite frequently. It always amazed me at the capacity they had. From writing his own poetry to a natural intuition on nature, and a straight A academic career, it appeared that Lasko was a good influence on Schlomo. One could not imagine the shock that I received when I learned of the drastic changes that Lasko had gone through at college.

While reading my son's email (like all parents should do), I discovered that Schlomo had maintained a regular correspondence with Lasko. At first I was pleased to see that Schlomo would get a glimpse of the treasures one can gain in academia, but I was startled at the content of their communication. I must warn you now, what follows is not for the faint of heart. It contains strong messages of fecalphilia, as well as elements of public anxiety and Oedipus Complex.

The following was sent to Schlomo's email AOL account (which is protected with AOL internet filter features). It was titled "Good Story".

this story is all about the time you shit your pants and your mom told everyone about it

one day, while at the mall, you and your mom were shopping for enema kits and vaseline, when suddenly a horrendous stench came from you. a sloppy brown, wet mess soon erupted and was plainly visible in the seat of your pants. you tried not to cringe as the warm, mushy mess oozed down your leg and stuck at the back of your knees. your mom, who was browsing the vaginal care kits immediately smelled your stench and asked you what you had just done. embarassed and shameful, you did not look her in the eye when you told her that you had done nothing. because you had indeed done something. you shit your pants, and it was horrible, because you were 17 and you knew better. then your mother looked at you with the most despicable look in her eye, a cold stare of hatred, and unexpectedly began to pat the seat of your pants with her hand, screaming, "ooh, give me some of that, i want it, where is it? where is your poop? your big smelly poop? i want to feel it squish between my fingers! can i have it", as she violently spanked and grabbed at your rear end. your face reddened to hues reminiscent of stop lights and tomatoes as passersby stopped and stared at you in your misery. your mother, feigning pride, shouted, "this is my child! my very talented child just shit its pants, can you believe it! I am so proud of it! the smell, the delicious smell! i am this child's mother!"

Besides a blatant disregard for grammar, spelling, decency, and intelligence, this email struck me at my very foundation as it began to involve my wife. I can only hope that Lasko hasn't written stories detailing her more feminine features. At once I blocked Schlomo's AOL account receiving messages from Lasko. I fully trust the solid security of AOL as they are parents too with children. I'm sure they would be glad to know they are helping to protect my 18 year old Schlomo from such corruptive sources.

However, that's just the tip of the iceberg. With the advancements of today's technology and a few wholesome people, we can protect our young with better tools than blocking email. Below are a few of the ways we can start:

1) I propose that the US Government start with the abolishment of all Lunix computers. It is a well known fact that hackers are the driving force of the evil zones of The Internet. While the government is allowing the states and people to sue Microsoft right and left, we should embrace the wholesome goodness they possess. With good American Microsoft operating systems we can turn off the evil Internet zones that defile our children's minds.

2) Internet chaperones should be put into place at our University Internet stations. With an economy that is slowing we need to create more jobs for our working class. A great number could be employed by having them sit with sessions of 2-6 students while they browse The Internet. This could stop emails such as the one above from proliferating.

3) Turn The Internet off between 10:00 pm and 7:00 am. While it will be difficult to compensate for time zone changes, I'm sure the brilliant programmers at Microsoft can figure out a way to do this. An Internet curfew such as this would keep our young from perusing The Internet at late hours when over 60% of pornography is downloaded from zones like Lunix and Napster.

These are just a few places where we can start, and I'm sure that other readers here have ideas of their own. Please respond with those as well so we can formulate a way to stop the evil zones of The Internet!