The world's reserves of fresh water are being used up at an unprecedented rate. Every year, it seems, the constituents of humanity get thirstier and filthier, our lawns ever more expansive, our supplies of powdered drinks ever burgeoning, our cars more and more covered with road grime and birdshit. All of which necessitates we use more and more water. At present, several important North American aquifers are at dangerously low levels. The implications of this can be seen by examining other, less developed countries.

The citizens of Bolivia are faced with the tough choice between privatizing the water supply and facing severe water shortages in the more populous areas of the country. It is only a matter of time before similar crises are confronted in the United States. Clearly, the time to act is now, before our once-proud nation is forced to bow and scrape before self-interested multinational corporations and WTO-style bureaucracies in order to obtain sufficient supplies of fresh water.

The solution to this problem lies metaphorically, right over our heads - on a map, that is. The time has come for the United States to annex the North Pole and secure for its citizens a long-lasting source of fresh water. Our country is uniquely equipped for this thanks to our enormous, well-equipped Naval forces and large Eskimo population. Annexing the North Pole would largely be a paper matter (I suppose congress would pass some sort of Constitutional Amendment or something), as no other countries are realistically in any position to challenge us.

Once our territorial rights to the pole are secured on paper, we could then set up luxurious, high-tech settlements, which volunteers from among our brave Eskimo citizens (and possibly some Minnesotans) could occupy to truly establish the Pole as American property. These Eskimo colonists could practice their traditional lifestyles, hunting seals and building igloos and whatnot, and would also operate the early-warning stations used to call in air/naval strikes against any forces seeking to pilfer our polar water reserves.

The United States has now at hand an excellent opportunity to seize and hold a tremendous supply of fresh water for its citizens. We must act now to absorb and defend the North Pole. If we do this, come the it-will-be-here-a-lot-sooner-than-you-think future, as other nations parch and whither in the arid furnace of drought, our children's children will slide laughing into their swimming pools, rinse their glistening sports cars, and sip cool iced teas while sitting on the lush cool grass of their lawns, all the while keeping deep in their hearts a deep, clear reservoir of gratitude toward us their forebears for our foresight and direct action.