 |
It's time someone levelled with you.
You're an asshole.
I say that because I'm concerned. You seem to be the sort of asshole who doesn't know it, so I'm going to point a few things out, in hopes of avoiding the sort of tragedy that I'll describe later.
We're all glad that you've quit your gluttony. It's nice knowing that there's one less ham-beast attacking the world's Dorito supply. But while you've shed the fat, you're still a pig on the inside.
Look, more than half of the things you've written about women have had to do with their appearance. There's nothing wrong with appreciating someone's looks, of course, but you're coming across as a real jerk.
Take the playmate, for instance. First, you're amazed that she's "just" the prettiest girl at the party. What's up with that, man? Did you expect her to be radiating some sort of magic sex rays, or something? Did it not occur to you that nude models might be fairly normal people when they're not working? It sounds like your notion of female sexuality might be incompatible with reality.
Then you protest that she was wearing baggy clothes. Did you stop for a moment to think about why she might dress the way she does? No, you just remark on how very different she looks with her clothes off. What do you think it would be like to go to a party, knowing that total strangers will identify you as "the nude model?"
You also seem to be putting too much stock in your percieved masculinity. Exercise is good for you, and you should take some pride in your appearance, but your smile and the light in your eyes are more important than those pecs you've been obsessing over. As a matter of fact, men tend to admire other men's pecs more than women do. If you had even the slightest awareness of homosexual culture, you'd know this already.
Likewise, you should enjoy physical feats like landing a tabletop or doing a 360, but when you see these things as a basis for comparing yourself to other men, you're doing yourself a disservice. Do you realize that you're going to get old? Soon?
Now, we must discuss your homophobia. It's understandable, college boy. Homophobia is, after all, pretty much a required survival instinct in most American High Schools. But now that you're out of that environment, it's time to start learning to cope with the world of Gay.
Lesson number one: "gay club" almost always means "gay male club." Lesbian clubs are usually referred to as such, and it's almost unheard of to find a place that manages to be both.
Lesson number two: straight women like to go to gay clubs. The reasons for this ought to be pretty obvious, but I'll spell a few of them out. First off, there are lots of attractive, well-dressed men to look at. Second, and far more important, the woman is unlikely to be hit on by the sort of pigs who are only interested in getting in her pants. You know, people like yourself. Third, she can dance without having to worry about some stranger rubbing his groin on her.
Your friend was testing you. She brought you to a gay club to see if you're the sensible sort of straight guy, the sort who can handle a bit of Gay with aplomb. And you failed. She doesn't know it, but the fact that you think she's gay is hysterical. Sure, it's possible that she's considering the notion of a bit of homo sex. Lots of women do, in college. But I think it's much more likely that you and your residual high-school homophobia have completely misread the situation.
Now, if you don't readjust your outlook a bit, here's what I think will happen: you'll fall for a woman. Hard. She'll really get her hooks into you. And she'll leave you, because you're an asshole. And you'll be devastated. Once the rage runs out, you'll fall off your exercise program, and have an extended eat attack. And the rest of us will have one more obese, depressed asshole on our hands.
Nobody wants that.
Here's what I think you should do, college boy: Next term, take an intro course in gender studies (or women's studies, or women's history, or whatever they call it at your school). Your asshole friends might give you a hard time, but the elite here at adequacy can help you with that (there are plenty of comebacks to that sort of thing). It may seem farfetched, but I guarantee that class will help you more with your problems than any response you might get to your distressed diary entries.
Sincerely,
--Uncle Robot
© 2002, RobotSlave. You may not reproduce this material, in whole or in part, without written permission of the owner.
|
Stories
